KYLE-AM .. Kyle In The Morning

By Michael Breckenridge

Drug-induced paranoia caused “Phil Bert,” the anthropomorphic moniker of a filbert, to enter the mouth of a local squirrel and lead police on a wild chase through the park. A filbert is an edible tree fruit surrounded by a woody husk commonly found in local stores and kids’ stockings at Christmastime. The soft buttery flesh of the nutmeat is also referred to as a hazelnut.

“I am not a hazelnut!” Bert said.

The difficulties began when Bert was ejected from the squirrel’s mouth into a previously designated hole in the ground. “Obviously, this was a premeditated act by his accomplice, whom we are calling Joe Squirrel, pending further identification,” officer Dan Hossifer said.

A melee ensued as officers scrambled for Phil Bert. The smooth brown shell covered in a slippery glaze of squirrel sputum continued to evade a solid grip. Every squeeze of the nut ended in a messy squirt into the air from the officer’s hand. Upon apprehension, the officers noted that their quarry was not a filbert. It was a hickory nut, a much harder edible tree fruit surrounded by an iron-like dense wood casement. “Only a shagbark hickory bears a fruit this hard. We thought we were chasing a filbert. This hardened criminal of the tree world really shagged us,” Hossifer said.

“I would have sprouted next spring into every midwestern lawnmower’s worst nightmare!” the hickory nut said.

Officers attempted to use a Texas nutcracker to pry Phil Bert from its protective shell. The extreme hardness required use of a nine pound sledgehammer to break it. “That was one tough nut on crack,” Hossifer said.

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