There’s been a lot of talk in the New York Times recently about the phenomenon of death by blogging. This is nothing to sneeze at. Unless you have a cold, like Russell Shaw (who according to the Times article died of blogging recently after he had “come down with something”), and then by all means, please. But use a hanky, a tissue or your sleeve as those recent health department commercials have demonstrated. We don’t all need to suddenly catch cold and die - really, seriously. Among other real or perceived wrongs I’d like to accuse it of, excess computer use apparently suppresses the immune system as well.

At any rate, what we are faced with in this country is a new phenomenon known as the SOLO: small office, lonely office. And it is within the confines of these self-imposed home-exiles that people are keeling over into the Big Sleep despite a full day’s supply of Vitamin Coffee. That’s why the bed’s next to the computer. I aspire to count myself among them, thanks to the Times article. I have a New York state of mind.

“I’ve been dead before.” — Spock

Death is not so unusual. In fact, it’s happening all around us. I had a NDE once, from being trapped in a snowstorm. Too bad it didn’t finish me off, because now I’m stuck behind the computer all the time, instead of doing dangerous things that could get me killed for a better reason than blogging. But let’s not discount the deleterious effects of the web - this is work. It’s a job. It can be fun at times, but let’s get real: there are bills to pay.

This is work. Did I say that already? Well, it’s still true. It involves sitting at a desk, typing into the computer, instead of kicking back, relaxing on a sunny day with a gentle breeze in a hammock tied between two palm trees with the surf crashing nearby. Those photos of people typing on wifi laptops with a cool drink on a tropical beach are such beautiful lies. There is a word in Japanese for dying at your desk for a reason - because it happens! Blogging is no exception.

I’m dying a little bit every day. It’s true! And someday, I’ll prove it, because I’ll be dead. And when I am, I expect I’ll be writing an email post like this one. Something like:

Subject: Death by Blogging
Body: Well, here I am: dead. The CSI said I’ve been dead for about eight hours now. COD was congestive blog failure. I had built up some mean callouses on my fingers and wore the letters off my keyboard from excess typing. Being unable to rip myself away from one more post, and looking like a bloated whale despite chronic malnutrition, I expired. Apparently the metadata of my life was set for no-cache, and so I am penniless as well. I had made up a cardboard sign that said: “Will blog for food”, but there was never any time to stand by the highway with it. There was always one more post to do. Too bad I was unable to compete with those kiddies eating a steady diet of tasty and nutritious silkworms. The high protein content gave them the strength and energy to out-post me, and their lower cost of living and government subsidies gave them an edge I didn’t have. But enough about me. I’m logging off for the last time now. Hey, look at that light! It’s so beautiful! Must go to it … yada yada yada

The preceding hypothetical posthumous blog post was a complete fiction known as link bait. It doesn’t represent me, anybody I know, or anybody you know, living, dead or zombies. Just another ten minutes of my life wasted, sitting at the computer. Sorry for wasting your time with my nonsense. Can we all just get along?

P.S. I once saw a New Yorker cartoon where one dog says to the other, “I had my own blog for a while, but I decided to go back to just pointless, incessant barking.”

In a move that has United Nations officials worried about possible rate hikes and extending benefits to multiple life partners, animals used for the secret intelligence work of world governments have formed the Inter-Species Union of Covert Kludge Units (ISUCKU) at a conference today.

“Weer weer weer! (No longer will we be subjected to harsh and inhumane working conditions),” union boss and Secret Squirrel leader Ace Nut said. “Weer weer weer weeeeer wer weeer weer weer weer weeeeeeer! (We demand weekends off, no split day schedules, hazard pay for exceptionally dangerous situations, meaningful expense accounts, and adequate protection for our families while we are away).”

The conference was organized in response to the political fallout following the alleged capture and arrest of 14 Secret Squirrels by police in Iran.

“Weer weeer weer weer weeeer! (Our government sponsors have abandoned members of our families.) Weeeer weeer weer weeeer! (The lack of response is outrageous. This was a clandestine mission, not a covert one.) Weeer weer weer weer weeeer weeeeer! (Our sponsors should stand up and take responsibility and negotiate our comrades’ release),” Nut said.

The Secret Squirrels were joined by their comrades from the Cow Commandos, Bear Battalions, Killer Kitties, Diplomatic Dogs, Microphone Mice, Badgers of Basra, Kamikaze Camels, Pigeon Parachutists, Chemical Chickens, Defuser Dolphins, Jet Gerbils, Photo Fish, Berserker Bedbugs, Intelligence Iguanas, Hardware Horses, Mule Mascots, Radar Rabbits, Infantry Elephants, Logistics Lions, Poon Parakeets, Bomb Bats, Demolition Donkeys, Reconnaissance Raccoons, Marmot Marauders, Tasty Tigers, Camouflage Kangaroos, Fortress Foxes, Money Monkeys, Goat Go-Betweens, Deception Deer, Ration Rats, and Signal Snakes.

The ISUCKU conference was not without its own drama. Although the Diplomatic Dogs attempted to keep the Killer Kitties away from the Microphone Mice, they managed to use their cat cunning and sneak past, whereupon they discovered that the Microphone Mice are electronic USB devices and not actually alive.

The Infantry Elephants, initially tranquil in the presence of the Microphone Mice, thoughts of Timothy Q. Mouse, the famous friend of Dumbo on their minds, became alarmed at the idea that the mice were spying on the conference in a sort of Spy Vs. Spy game. The elephants trumpeted loudly and stampeded, crushing the Microphone Mice into silicon dust.

Radical Animal Rights activists attempted to enter the conference and “liberate” the attendees. The animals stormed the activists, cornering them at one end of the hotel ballroom where the conference was held.

“Weer weeeer wer weer weeer weer wer weeeer weer weeeeeeer! (You want to talk animal rights? We have the right to make a living and provide for our families. Why don’t you make yourselves useful and teach our jobless brethren in parks and zoos how to flip burgers or something. You’re probably good at that!),” Nut said.

The Cow Commandos hesitated for a moment at the squirrel’s statement to the humans.

“Ha! See? You don’t have the mandate you thought you had! Meat is murder!” the activists said.

“Moo,” the cows said.

“What’d she say?” an activist asked Nut.

“Weeer weer weeer! (They said forget it, they were just chewing their cud.)”

Dismayed at the cows’ fatalistic attitude, the activists opened a service access door in the wall behind them and made a hasty exit.

A crank letter to share with friends…you know you want to forward it, so go ahead!

Be sure??to include a link back to KYLE-AM!??

Hello <first_name>, my beloved,

I small cute girl from long far away country. My father was chief of village before president of hostile country take him and threaten family. Now everyone dead but me. My father leave small fortune for small cute girl in state run bank. I no can get money cos of bad men try to take. Please <first_name>, help small cute girl get money out by being my long far away relation I document you, no problems. You keep 90% of money ok? I small cute girl need only small sum of millions dollars USD. You keep rest for thank you. I know you help me right cos you got big loving heart for to do right thing. Then I be in danger no more. I get big loving heart for you when I think upon you helping me! You send me name, address, age, gender, occupation, how long you live there, social number, income amount, maiden name of mother, height, weight, color of eye and hair, and shoe size. If you got western union account all ready you send the numbers ok? I get you documents. Maybe send photo if you got? Then I get you document and you be my relation then. Sweet <first_name>, I come see you maybe if you want, even consummate deal, your choice. But first we get money. Then we both rich and do what we desire. Ok? Yes it be good plan. I know it work will. God is on our side. Angels protect. We do right thing together. It be good thing. But hurry now. Time not on our side. Death squads be everywhere! Bank belong to them now. Must be quick to fetch currency before all spent on long knives to cut small cute girl. Send all info with swiftly speed of cheetah. You maybe have bills hmm? I be like lady luck for you today. Ok, <first_name>, you send all info now. I wait with impatience for you letter.

Your beloved,

Ms. Hapi Thanksgivinka Crankaletta (small cute girl)

This letter was brought to you by the numbers 8, 6, 7, 5, 3, the letter “O” and 9.

SAN FRANCISCO ?????Imminent social networking site BigNinjaRobots.com??”poses for ultimate greatness,” according to lead site developer Monk Desperatov. The site is scheduled to go live at an invitation-only??LAN party offered to??movers and shakers??from both the open source and social networking communities.

“OMFG, this is the hostest with the mostest,” major blogger??Omar Ragu said. “I will *SO* be blogging there. BigNinjaRobots??deprecates everything. My new profile and blog are so now, I’m wearing color.” Ragu is not a coder but does bring his public relations??knowledge to the partnership. “The??mashup??is like??a??hipper skin of Imeem, GarageBand, and DropJack. It’s kuah.”

“We are bumpin’, and I’m not??talkin’??forums,” Desperatov said. “This??totally truthenizes what MySpace did to Friendster, but *much* cooler.”

“Yeah, those guys are just Mongolian??zombie hordes makin’ angry fruit salad,” co-founder Jine Jine Charlottine said.

“Seriously, tho’. They’re the Microsoft of social networks. We’re the Suse Linux,” Desperatov said.

“Me, Monk and Jine Jine were knockin’ back??Irish Car Bombs at this geek-out??St. Patrick’s Day party??when I realized we were the 3 Wise Men,”??Ragu said. “I mean, not just because of??our alcohol content, but because of our skillz, man. We are loco sick, the mouse in the hizzouse. I mentioned how casters-up so many??fugglies are when Monk’s??hardcore ideas just started spillin’.”

“I’m a time travelin’, buzzin’, rappin’, freakin’ ninja, man,” Desperatov said while??busting some moves and flashing gang signs.

“Haha, he’s our designated drunk,” Charlottine said.

“We’re all the designated drunk,” Ragu said.

I’m an anal fistin’ kamikaze june bug surfer on acid having sex on the beach in my Dana Point paradise, you muthafuckas,” Desperatov said as he swizzled an Oreo Lebowski.

“Haha, da boss is da bomb, check that,”??Charlottine said.

“But seriously, those other nets are gonna be drawin’ aces cuz of us,” Desperatov said. “We’re talkin’ bagged and tagged.”

“Not that we’re tossin’??gauntlets,??understand,” Ragu said, schlepping into his P.R. mode. “In fact, we’re offering a Toyota signature Adam Carolla Corolla to any competing exec who’d like to break their site’s crayons and pac-man our??debt load. We’ll even throw in the big office. How twee is that?”

BigNinjaRobots hopes to start an IPO as soon as any exchange will let them. First, however, they’ll need some empty suits to give them the right appeal to the financial world. “We will totally excessorize the right exec. No shit,” Ragu said.

“They just need to cowgirl up their technolust for reals,” Desperatov said. “No dap and dip bluetooling allowed. This is technosexual.”

“Yeah, it’s like, DropJack’s got the face card but??we’re all sevens, man, cuz??seven eight nine,” Charlottine said. “Who’s your mac daddy now?”

“Double true,” Ragu said.

MENLO PARK, Calif.???????While many companies plan summer picnics and softball games to boost camaraderie, creative organizations may choose more challenging or inventive methods of building rapport. The Creative Group, a specialized staffing service providing marketing, advertising, creative and web professionals on a project basis, recently asked 250 U.S. advertising and marketing executives to describe unusual team-building activities they have heard of or taken part in.

Those surveyed were asked, “What is the wackiest or most unusual team-building activity you’ve ever heard of a firm participating in?” Here are some of their responses:

• “Team skydiving.”
• “A group Segway tour.”
• “Line dancing on the beach in matching outfits.”??
• “We had to navigate a maze through a cornfield.”

Then again, misery loves company, which may have been the thought behind these next group outings:

• “We shoveled horse manure in a stable.”
• “We went camping 9,000 feet up and it rained for two days.”??

Some??activities required employees to take a leap of faith:

• “People would fall out of a tree and hope their team would catch them.”
• “We created a human bridge to cross a small stream.”

“Teamwork and innovation are essential in the creative field, so firms are always looking for ways to enhance morale and spark the imagination,” said Dave Willmer, executive director of The Creative Group. “Because industry professionals are innovative, it’s only natural that their group activities sometimes stray from the beaten path.”

When choosing a fun group outing, for example, why go bowling or have a barbecue? KYLE-AM conducted its own survey of insane companies and discovered??a harrowing array of death-defying team-building choices:

• “Our company baited shark-infested waters and then asked employees to swim naked to a floating platform half a mile out.”
• “The boss said it would demonstrate our company’s commitment to??multicultural values if one of us ‘appeased the fire god’ and jump into a live volcano on our trip to Hawaii.”
• “I was part of a BASE jumping team who first had to stand waist-deep in a vat of cement.??My pants??fell off from the weight. Otherwise, I’d have ended up like the others.”
• “My girlfriend said her boss wanted to have a ‘Fear Factor’ contest that included kissing a live rattlesnake, eating poisonous mushrooms and something called ‘putting our heads together’ ??? with a bucket of superglue.”
• “My office brought in one of those money machines, except that for every dollar we caught, the amount was multiplied by ten and deducted from our paycheck. The money was supposed to be given to charity.”
• “We drew cards from a hat to determine what our team would do. My team had to set cars on fire in our??competitor’s parking lot across town.”
• “My department head fired everyone and stipulated that if we??divided into two teams and played tug-of-war across a??swimming pool filled with sewage, the winning team could return to work with a 25 cent per hour raise.”??
• “Our company sponsored an enterprise-wide truth-or-dare contest. The winning entrant was??dared??to join a gang and go through the hazing ceremony.”
• “My office was divided into teams and had to act out scenes from pop songs. One of the teams used live ammunition to act out the scene from the Soul Coughing song Screenwriter’s Blues where lovers murder each other. It was very exciting.”

But the award for the most tragic company team-building event went to infamous call center conglomerate Telehell, Inc. in North Wackoff, Virginia.??A fire broke out in the basement of the building. Following an employee productivity study last year, the fire alarms had been deactivated.??Everyone stayed at their desks as the building became a towering inferno.??By the time someone noticed flames and smoke coming up the elevator shafts and the stairwells, it was too late. Everyone??broke the??windows with office chairs and jumped to their deaths.

The sprinklers came on and put out the fire before the security camera tapes were consumed. Playing them back revealed the orderly participation of the employees in their last moments of life.

“I’m proud of what our previous team building efforts had accomplished,” Telehell CEO Jack Azwhol said. “When the going got tough, they worked together and remained cohesive and that’s really what team building is all about.”

It’s hard enough to apply for jobs these days; it takes writing a good cover letter, filling out an application, and of course, submitting a good resume.

Competition is fierce. How can one stand out from the crowd? Showing creativity is the number one way to get noticed in today’s intense marketplace.

CareerBuilder.com conducted a survey of human resources managers across the country for their new resume building service and found there are several important steps to take to be sure the resume looks exactly like everyone elses. KYLE-AM demonstrates how to take these same points and make an impact that will make an applicant stand out and possibly become the source of conversation around the watercooler:

??? Your personal life is just that ??? personal. Show the hiring manager you have no secrets by discussing your waistline measurement??or where you spend your summer vacations.

??? Simple. Bold. Professional. Use flashy formatting and stationery with borders or graphics. For areas of special emphasis, try unconventional fonts or colored text.

??? One size does not fit all. Showing what a jack-of-all-trades you are is sure to impress the boss. The world is full of specialists. Specialists may be special, but generalists become Generals.

??? Two sets of eyes are better than one. If you wear contacts, be sure to mention that glasses are available whenever the boss needs you to “look smart”. If you actually have four eyes, be sure to send a photo. Check this image if you need one quickly.

In the event these four pillars of creativity are insufficiently inspiring, CareerBuilder.com has graciously provided a list of twelve resume enhancements that hiring managers and human resource professionals found most memorable:

1. Candidate included that he spent summers on his family’s yacht in Grand Cayman.
2. Candidate attached a letter from her mother.
3. Candidate used pale blue paper with teddy bears around the border.
4. Candidate explained a gap in employment by saying it was because he was getting over the death of his cat for three months.
5. Candidate specified that his availability was limited because Friday, Saturday and Sunday was “drinking time.”
6. Candidate included a picture of herself in a cheerleading uniform.
7. Candidate drew a picture of a car on the outside of the envelope and said it was the hiring manager’s gift.
8. Candidate’s hobbies included sitting on the levee at night watching alligators.
9. Candidate included the fact that her sister once won a strawberry eating contest.
10. Candidate explained that he works well nude.
11. Candidate included family medical history.

and the final entry, perfect for those with a police record, [drum roll please]…

12. Candidate explained an arrest by stating, “We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig.”

Now there are no more excuses for constructing a resume that will be remembered with cherished memories, and possibly peals of laughter, long after its careful and permanent placement in the round file.

One of the world’s highest paid assassins,??Viktor Trench-C??te, found his career cut short yesterday evening at a Manhattan bar during an impromptu??weapons test.

“I saw this video for??Metal Storm on Metacafe. She is the most powerful gun in the world??and I knew I had to have her,”??Trench-C??te said in an exclusive interview from his maximum security cell at a??location undisclosed for security reasons.?? “I had??the weapon??with me at the bar when I??decided to try out a mentalism trick I learned online.”

“‘Think of a numeral between 1 and 10,’ I told this gentleman on the stool next to me. ‘OK, now multiply it by 2. Don’t forget the original numeral, OK? Now add 8 to the new numeral and divide by 2. Now subtract your original numeral from your new numeral. At this point, the gentleman say to me, ‘I forgot my original numeral.’ So I??called him some unpleasant things??and got up.”

Trench-C??te??found a bell at the end of the bar and rang it. People quieted down a bit and he said??aloud in his French accent, “Who wants to get shot for free?” Everyone raised their hand.

“It surprised me a little bit how many people volunteered, but they were consenting adults, so I thought, ‘Eh, who cares?’ I needed to know if the gun would live up to its advertising. It did.” At that moment, Trench-Cote pulled out his automatic weapon and mowed down all the bar patrons.

The bartender immediately called police. Squads of blue uniformed men and women poured into the building,??nabbing Trench-C??te before he could escape. The??battalion in blue was quickly followed by an entourage of ambulance paramedics.

Surprisingly, one of the responding units was the infamous ambulance??from Lodz, Poland. The doctor and nurse picked up badly wounded but still living victims of the shooting and delivered them straight to local funeral homes.

“I didn’t expect the ambulance from Lodz,” the battalion chief said to the doctor and nurse. They exclaimed in unison: “No one expected the ambulance from Lodz!“

Lake Wobegon, Minnesota ??? Local residents Barb and Jim found a superman in blue tights, 14 times the size of a normal man, from a planet 14 times the size of Earth, lying in a scorched patch of ground in their wheat field. Unsure what to do with their strange guest, they dragged him by his red flowing cape into their barn with a tractor.

When the superman came to his senses, he saw they had set up a card table with coffee and the trimmings for a light meal. Jim began to address him.

“These are the good years for Barb and me. The kids have all moved away, the mortgage is paid, and the pets are finally dead. And yet, something just hasn’t been right.”

“What’s troubling you, Jim,” Barb said.

“I felt a disturbance in the Force, Barb. As if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened.”

“Oh, your spidey-sense is tingling again. Have you taken the gamma radiation pills the doctor gave you for that?”

“No, dear, I haven’t. They were causing a startling metamorphosis, making my skin turn green and my whole body to grow into a hulking creature every time I grew angry or outraged,” Jim said. “Frankly, I was tired of waking up in alleys with my clothes in rags and not knowing how I got there, not to mention always hearing sad piano music while I was hitchhiking back home.”

“That’s true. I had to call Ghostbusters several times to go rescue you.”

“Barb, that’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you. Why did you always call Ghostbusters?”

“People knew there was something strange in the neighborhood. When your husband has turned green, busted out of his clothes and gone running off again, who ya gonna call?”

“Of course, dear. They’re accustomed to chasing green spectres. Better them and avoid a sting operation by the police.”

“Speaking of the police, what shall we do with our guest?” Barb said.

“You’re right. I’ve been so rude. Why don’t you put on Synchronicity. Mr. Superman - I don’t really know what to call you - do you like The Police?”

“If they are for truth, justice, and the American way,” the superman said. “And when you call me, you can call me Al. Al Ice from Gliese 876 d, a Super-Earth in a red dwarf solar system far, far away.”

“Charmed,” Barb said, extending her small hand. “Isn’t that the one with the orange colored sky?”

Al stuck out a finger which she touched with her own. Then he picked up the cup of coffee she had served him and ate it.

“It is difficult to be precise, Barb,” Al said. “I should say approximately, an orange-colored, purple-striped, pretty green polka-dot sky.”

“Difficult to be precise?” Jim said. “An orange-colored, purple-striped, polka-dot sky?”

“An orange-colored, purple-striped, pretty green polka-dot sky.”

“That’s a pretty close approximation.”

“I endeavor to be accurate.”

“You do quite well.”

“Do you smell fish?” Barb said.

“The burgers! They must be ready.” With a flick of his wrist, Jim retrieved a plate of meat patties for the three to enjoy with his spidey-webbing. “I’d offer you some asbestos to sprinkle on your burger - it tastes kinda funky - but my friend Clarence Washington told me it gives me the heebie-jeebies.”

“Is that right?” Al said.

“Yeah. I can’t sprinkle it on eggs in the morning or my Dutch Masters cigars either. For a while, I didn’t know what I was gonna eat.”

“So now, we’ve switched to ketchup,” Barb said, handing Al a super-sized bottle with the words “DRINK ME” beautifully printed on it in large letters.

“Ketchup has natural mellowing agents,” Jim said. “It makes a person more normal. Isn’t that super?”

Al picked up the tiny burger, tossed it in his mouth, then squeezed out the entire contents of the ketchup bottle on to his tongue with one super-pinch and ate it.

“This burger was a really wonderful idea. What an incredible taste you’ve discovered,” Al said.

“It’s a mixture of cherry tart, custard, pineapple, roast turkey, toffee, and hot buttered toast,” Barb said. “And one special ingredient from my brother: kryptonite.”

“What a curious feeling,” Al said. “I must be shutting up like a telescope.” The superman began to shrink to the size of a normal human. “What does your brother do?”

“He works for Lex Luthier. They make guitars.”

“How did you say??they??came into possession of kryptonite again?” Jim said.

“Because they couldn’t get moon rocks for their ultra high-end guitar picks. People love the Krypto-Picks???, shaped like a dog’s paw. They have the added benefit of providing adequate protection against caped crusaders from space with superhuman strength, in case one wants to break up your death metal concert right in the middle of a gnarly solo. It’s a good thing.”

“It’s a wonderful story, and it makes me feel charitable. Come on, Barb, let’s go down to the Red Cross and give blood for the Hurricane Katrina victims. Want to go with us, Al?”

“No thanks, I’d best be, uh, you know.” Al stood up, adjusted his tights and made an up, up and away gesture with his hands. “I believe I can fly.”

“Well, suit yourself. If you change your mind, there’s a phone booth down at the corner.”

Al climbed up to the roof of the barn and spread his arms. As Barb and Jim headed for the car, they heard a resounding thud as Al hit the ground.

“He’s dead, Jim,” Barb said. Lightning flashed and thunder rolled.

“Sounds like rain. When we get back we’ll bury him out on the lone prairie,” Jim said. “That’ll be the end of it.” They looked with melancholy at the fallen hero, then drove away.

The unsteady folkie voice of Rich Dworsky permeated the air with a wistful little song.

“Here in Minnesota / Al Ice and wheat fields / Here people know / The power kryptonite wields / Life is flowing like ketchup on steering wheels / Ketchup! Ketchup!”

In a move to compare Windows to Linux, Microsoft corporation has decided to move to an online distribution system, where they will provide nightly builds of their operating system for people to download and install. Microsoft officials are calling this the “Latest Unstable Version” or LUV for short. Critics are concerned about the potential security problems already inherent in Windows, much less having no time for quality assurance.

“Microsoft has to move really, really fast, and this is how we’re gonna do it,” Steve Ballmer said at the press conference. “Can you feel the LUV? I’m gonna show you my oh-face.”

When industry experts pointed out that Linux distributions have many more people actually checking the code for bugs and developing drivers and compatibility layers for diverse hardware by providing the source code on the CVS code-sharing system, Ballmer said, “This is just for consumers to get a new Windows when we’ve added another breakthrough paradigm.”

A Chevrolet spokesperson was unavailable for comment on the possibility of trademark infringement over the use of the term “LUV”.

Due to the tremendous success of Superstupidity last?? year, Ultrastupidity trials are set to begin this fall.

“Success is a relative term here,” city councilman Winston Balderdash said. “We’ve been prepping the city power grid, telephone system, and water supply for the trials in August.”

Ultrastupidity builds on superstupidity’s practice of feigning ignorance by pretending one’s head lacks a brain. Local businesses, already harried by the impact of superstupidity, are definitely concerned about what ultrastupidity will do.

“We’ve been trying to step up basic security like smoke and fire sensors to get ready for ultrastupidity,” said Bill Garrote of Flume’s Fashions. “But with superstupidity still in effect, it’s hard to get work done because when the workers get here, they forget why they’re here. You know, I can’t really remember why we were trying to do that in the first place. Say, where’s the bathroom?”

If ultrastupidity is successful, it’s unclear what benefit it will have to the city. “Laws, morals, and basic common sense will probably have little meaning,” Balderdash said.

Real estate and market gurus are telling everybody who doesn’t already live here to get the hell out while there’s still time.