KYLE-AM .. Kyle In The Morning

By Michael Breckenridge

SAN FRANCISCO - Sexologists gathered for the Filth Annual Symposium of Sex Workers for Science announced today a new interpretation of the Big Bang Theory. The statement released to the media has caused an outcry from the quantum physics community and religious leaders.

“She banged, and it was good,” reads the first plank of the sexologist document, pointing to the group’s additional assertion that the universe is governed by a female deity engaged in sex.

“Correlation does not mean causation,” said Dr. Herman Malkipekt, representing the World Organization of Physicists. “Yes, we believe there was a big bang in the beginning, but we do not attribute anthropomorphic features to it.”

“There was no big bang - only God,” said Justin Kline of the World Assembly of Nondenominational Churches. “Then God said, let there be light. That is what was so good.”

“The Galactic Asteroid exited the Black Hole and created the first physic,” reads the second plank of the sexologist document.

“Patent nonsense!” Malkipekt said. “Physics has nothing to do with ‘a physic,’ which refers to a bowel movement. Besides, interstellar matter enters black holes, it does not exit them.”

The third plank, considered the most controversial, reads: “On the Galactic Asteroid, She built a brick house where Adam and Eve were meant to consummate their existence while She watched. When Adam was unable to feed his snake to Eve, they were cast out. Then She invented ‘Viagra’ and sent 6 million emails to them about it so they would always be able to enjoy increased male potency.”

“The song goes, ‘she’s a brick house,’ not ‘she built a brick house,’” said DJ Eksyt. “These people need to listen to more disco apparently.”

“The sacrilege is overwhelming,” Kline said. “And yet, I have the distinct feeling they just don’t know. The unchurched often have corrupted ideas about biblical teachings caused by errors that creep in from word of mouth reciting of stories and ideas. This is a little extreme, obviously, but I would still be willing to sit down with them for some counseling.”

“Counseling won’t help these people,” Malkipekt said. “Anyone who has ever seen a science fiction movie knows there is no atmosphere on an asteroid, and besides, it takes water to make bricks, and an asteroid that has no atmosphere also lacks the gravity necessary to hold water to the surface. Don’t even get me started about ‘Viagra.’ I’m so sick of those spam emails.”

“I actually bought some ‘Viagra’ for my boyfriend,” DJ Eksyt said. “We were not impressed. A man needs to be able to put away his bat when the ball game is over, you know what I mean?”

The Sex Workers for Science refused to claim responsibility for sending 6 million spam emails for “Viagra” in support of the Symposium.

By Michael Breckenridge

MIAMI – Following an accident on board a ship bound over from Antarctica, a previously frozen man was found beating a large turkey drumstick in the air to the frenzied rhythms of a local band at an after-hours beach party Friday night.

The formerly quiescent man had slipped out of the hold of a frigate inbound to Biscayne Bay from the South Pole. The iceman, believed to be at least 10,000 years old, was recently discovered by German scientists in a sheet of ice near the Ross Point Station. As a result of global warming, the ice broke open, revealing the man’s location 80 feet down inside the crevasse.

Like a scene from a Hitchcock movie, the iceman was cut from the wall of the crevasse, bundled in jute and chains and placed aboard the frigate for transport back to a research facility on the Florida mainland.

“I don’t know why they call them frigates,” lead scientist Paul Fleischsauger said. “I guess ‘fuck bucket’ was taken.”

“This was the most important discovery for mankind since, I don’t know, the moon mission or something,” Gregor Gnieseficken said. “How they let it slip through an open door and topple into the warm water below is like a scene from a cartoon.”

Once free of the ice, the iceman escaped the Houdini-like gift-wrapping and swam to the beach. He found some clothes and joined a party already in progress.

“It was undoubtedly not difficult for him to do that,” Fleischsauger said. “Women probably brought him clothes just for the opportunity to be near him. ‘I clothed him, he’s mine,’ that would be the attitude. You would think that being locked in ice would reduce a man, and he is short, yes, but believe me – this man is not small.”

“He looked like the brother of a friend of mine, so I didn’t think twice about it,” party organizer Margarita Cuervo said. “He picked up this huge drumstick from the catering table and just starting shaking it all around. That’s what it’s all about.”

The iceman was originally scheduled to be cut open and examined, then stuck in a glass case of formaldehyde and put on display at the Smithsonian. No one anticipated his reanimation or his love of music and dancing.

“My studio has been contracted by the scientists assigned to the iceman for the purpose of doing some image-making and laying down tracks,” DJ Eksyt said.

“Paul thought, maybe call him ‘Ice Cube,’ but the DJ said that was taken,” Gnieseficken said. “So I thought, maybe ‘Ice Ice Baby’ would be a good slogan, but that is also taken.”

“We leave this job in the DJ’s capable hands,” Fleischsauger said. “She assured us she can provide him with the best service, and at no cost to us, which is good, because it’s a lot of red tape to go through channels on something like this.”

The iceman will be the subject of an upcoming special on the Discover Channel, simulcast on MTV.

Special thanks to our friend Jon Martinez for posing with the turkey drumstick for this story.

By Robert Breckenridge

A furious manhunt erupted today in response to a terrified woman’s report that her feces had been stolen. The theft occurred in the woman’s restroom of a nearby bookstore.

According to her report, the man entered the restroom, barged into the stall, and held her up at gunpoint. Apparently just for irony, it was a chocolate gun. The filthy fingered feces filcher then made off with his brown booty. Police were on the scene within minutes and a patrol car cornered the man three blocks away.

The man was found empty-handed but showed signs of trying to dump the merchandise. Police arrested him on three counts of turdburglary. A search was conducted to try and locate the missing excrement, but to no avail.

“I already had names for them!” she wailed. The cigars are survived by a strong sense of urgency.

By Robert Breckenridge

Researchers and emotion pathologists at the National Anger Institute published a press release today stating that they finally discovered that female anger has a half-life of nearly 4,000 years. The breakthrough was achieved by isolating the DNA of a scorned woman, sequencing it, and then subjecting the specimen sample to intense ex-ray and ultraviolent light. The process effectively speeds up time.

Abdul Harkubar of the NAI had this to say: “It is finally the time when we as men know the consequences of asking if she is drinking diet soda.” Ray, the former lover of the woman whose name has not been released, said he’ll be more careful in the future when trying to think of something to say.

Egyptologists collaborating on the project can now close the book on the case of Darcissian Kronotopsis, an ancient Egyptian Queen who brutally stopped talking to her King. “The C-14 tests were showing some strange results, we couldn’t figure it out,” said project leader Jerome Sharp. “It turns out this half-life thing was getting in the way.”

It looks like Darcissian is finally going to calm down in another 5,000 years.