By Michael Breckenridge
LOS ANGELES - A local man stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase through city streets. “I was tired of walking,” he said. An officer boarded the lumbering juggernaut and ground it to a halt.
The theft had been spotted by a group of kids in their mystery van. Fred, Daphne, Wilma and Shaggy noticed the man was not wearing a hard hat and realized the steamroller was stolen from the nearby construction site. Their dog called police but no one could understand him. He handed the phone to Shaggy.
“Like, there’s this crazy coot carousing on a commandeered Caterpillar,” he said.
“Curses!” The bad guy said to the officers. “I was just steamrolling along until those pesky kids interfered!”
By Robert Breckenridge
A furious manhunt erupted today in response to a terrified woman’s report that her feces had been stolen. The theft occurred in the woman’s restroom of a nearby bookstore.
According to her report, the man entered the restroom, barged into the stall, and held her up at gunpoint. Apparently just for irony, it was a chocolate gun. The filthy fingered feces filcher then made off with his brown booty. Police were on the scene within minutes and a patrol car cornered the man three blocks away.
The man was found empty-handed but showed signs of trying to dump the merchandise. Police arrested him on three counts of turdburglary. A search was conducted to try and locate the missing excrement, but to no avail.
“I already had names for them!” she wailed. The cigars are survived by a strong sense of urgency.
