Sexologists Offer New Interpretation of Big Bang Theory
By Michael Breckenridge
SAN FRANCISCO - Sexologists gathered for the Filth Annual Symposium of Sex Workers for Science announced today a new interpretation of the Big Bang Theory. The statement released to the media has caused an outcry from the quantum physics community and religious leaders.
“She banged, and it was good,” reads the first plank of the sexologist document, pointing to the group’s additional assertion that the universe is governed by a female deity engaged in sex.
“Correlation does not mean causation,” said Dr. Herman Malkipekt, representing the World Organization of Physicists. “Yes, we believe there was a big bang in the beginning, but we do not attribute anthropomorphic features to it.”
“There was no big bang - only God,” said Justin Kline of the World Assembly of Nondenominational Churches. “Then God said, let there be light. That is what was so good.”
“The Galactic Asteroid exited the Black Hole and created the first physic,” reads the second plank of the sexologist document.
“Patent nonsense!” Malkipekt said. “Physics has nothing to do with ‘a physic,’ which refers to a bowel movement. Besides, interstellar matter enters black holes, it does not exit them.”
The third plank, considered the most controversial, reads: “On the Galactic Asteroid, She built a brick house where Adam and Eve were meant to consummate their existence while She watched. When Adam was unable to feed his snake to Eve, they were cast out. Then She invented ‘Viagra’ and sent 6 million emails to them about it so they would always be able to enjoy increased male potency.”
“The song goes, ‘she’s a brick house,’ not ‘she built a brick house,’” said DJ Eksyt. “These people need to listen to more disco apparently.”
“The sacrilege is overwhelming,” Kline said. “And yet, I have the distinct feeling they just don’t know. The unchurched often have corrupted ideas about biblical teachings caused by errors that creep in from word of mouth reciting of stories and ideas. This is a little extreme, obviously, but I would still be willing to sit down with them for some counseling.”
“Counseling won’t help these people,” Malkipekt said. “Anyone who has ever seen a science fiction movie knows there is no atmosphere on an asteroid, and besides, it takes water to make bricks, and an asteroid that has no atmosphere also lacks the gravity necessary to hold water to the surface. Don’t even get me started about ‘Viagra.’ I’m so sick of those spam emails.”
“I actually bought some ‘Viagra’ for my boyfriend,” DJ Eksyt said. “We were not impressed. A man needs to be able to put away his bat when the ball game is over, you know what I mean?”
The Sex Workers for Science refused to claim responsibility for sending 6 million spam emails for “Viagra” in support of the Symposium.
