KYLE-AM .. Kyle In The Morning

By Michael Breckenridge

SAN FRANCISCO - Sexologists gathered for the Filth Annual Symposium of Sex Workers for Science announced today a new interpretation of the Big Bang Theory. The statement released to the media has caused an outcry from the quantum physics community and religious leaders.

“She banged, and it was good,” reads the first plank of the sexologist document, pointing to the group’s additional assertion that the universe is governed by a female deity engaged in sex.

“Correlation does not mean causation,” said Dr. Herman Malkipekt, representing the World Organization of Physicists. “Yes, we believe there was a big bang in the beginning, but we do not attribute anthropomorphic features to it.”

“There was no big bang - only God,” said Justin Kline of the World Assembly of Nondenominational Churches. “Then God said, let there be light. That is what was so good.”

“The Galactic Asteroid exited the Black Hole and created the first physic,” reads the second plank of the sexologist document.

“Patent nonsense!” Malkipekt said. “Physics has nothing to do with ‘a physic,’ which refers to a bowel movement. Besides, interstellar matter enters black holes, it does not exit them.”

The third plank, considered the most controversial, reads: “On the Galactic Asteroid, She built a brick house where Adam and Eve were meant to consummate their existence while She watched. When Adam was unable to feed his snake to Eve, they were cast out. Then She invented ‘Viagra’ and sent 6 million emails to them about it so they would always be able to enjoy increased male potency.”

“The song goes, ‘she’s a brick house,’ not ‘she built a brick house,’” said DJ Eksyt. “These people need to listen to more disco apparently.”

“The sacrilege is overwhelming,” Kline said. “And yet, I have the distinct feeling they just don’t know. The unchurched often have corrupted ideas about biblical teachings caused by errors that creep in from word of mouth reciting of stories and ideas. This is a little extreme, obviously, but I would still be willing to sit down with them for some counseling.”

“Counseling won’t help these people,” Malkipekt said. “Anyone who has ever seen a science fiction movie knows there is no atmosphere on an asteroid, and besides, it takes water to make bricks, and an asteroid that has no atmosphere also lacks the gravity necessary to hold water to the surface. Don’t even get me started about ‘Viagra.’ I’m so sick of those spam emails.”

“I actually bought some ‘Viagra’ for my boyfriend,” DJ Eksyt said. “We were not impressed. A man needs to be able to put away his bat when the ball game is over, you know what I mean?”

The Sex Workers for Science refused to claim responsibility for sending 6 million spam emails for “Viagra” in support of the Symposium.

By Robert Breckenridge

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration today greenlighted Jerck Pharmaceuticals to begin marketing a new drug aimed at stopping the crippling and sometimes fatal hand-me-downs syndrome.

Once thought to have been totally cured by the mid-to-late twentieth century, isolated cases of hand-me-downs syndrome have been popping up all over the country. Jerck has been working for over a decade to find an effective cure. HMDS usually begins in the fetus and affects both genders equally. It remains dormant until about age 6 and becomes immediately evident when the youngster begins complaining about their ill-fitting, unfashionable clothing. It then quickly cripples their fashion-oriented friendships.

Jerck’s new drug, Borremal, helps to treat the condition by dulling the spirit. Possible side effects include staring into space and listlessness.

Borremal will be administered by school nurses nationwide starting next year.

By Michael Breckenridge

MIAMI – Following an accident on board a ship bound over from Antarctica, a previously frozen man was found beating a large turkey drumstick in the air to the frenzied rhythms of a local band at an after-hours beach party Friday night.

The formerly quiescent man had slipped out of the hold of a frigate inbound to Biscayne Bay from the South Pole. The iceman, believed to be at least 10,000 years old, was recently discovered by German scientists in a sheet of ice near the Ross Point Station. As a result of global warming, the ice broke open, revealing the man’s location 80 feet down inside the crevasse.

Like a scene from a Hitchcock movie, the iceman was cut from the wall of the crevasse, bundled in jute and chains and placed aboard the frigate for transport back to a research facility on the Florida mainland.

“I don’t know why they call them frigates,” lead scientist Paul Fleischsauger said. “I guess ‘fuck bucket’ was taken.”

“This was the most important discovery for mankind since, I don’t know, the moon mission or something,” Gregor Gnieseficken said. “How they let it slip through an open door and topple into the warm water below is like a scene from a cartoon.”

Once free of the ice, the iceman escaped the Houdini-like gift-wrapping and swam to the beach. He found some clothes and joined a party already in progress.

“It was undoubtedly not difficult for him to do that,” Fleischsauger said. “Women probably brought him clothes just for the opportunity to be near him. ‘I clothed him, he’s mine,’ that would be the attitude. You would think that being locked in ice would reduce a man, and he is short, yes, but believe me – this man is not small.”

“He looked like the brother of a friend of mine, so I didn’t think twice about it,” party organizer Margarita Cuervo said. “He picked up this huge drumstick from the catering table and just starting shaking it all around. That’s what it’s all about.”

The iceman was originally scheduled to be cut open and examined, then stuck in a glass case of formaldehyde and put on display at the Smithsonian. No one anticipated his reanimation or his love of music and dancing.

“My studio has been contracted by the scientists assigned to the iceman for the purpose of doing some image-making and laying down tracks,” DJ Eksyt said.

“Paul thought, maybe call him ‘Ice Cube,’ but the DJ said that was taken,” Gnieseficken said. “So I thought, maybe ‘Ice Ice Baby’ would be a good slogan, but that is also taken.”

“We leave this job in the DJ’s capable hands,” Fleischsauger said. “She assured us she can provide him with the best service, and at no cost to us, which is good, because it’s a lot of red tape to go through channels on something like this.”

The iceman will be the subject of an upcoming special on the Discover Channel, simulcast on MTV.

Special thanks to our friend Jon Martinez for posing with the turkey drumstick for this story.

By Robert Breckenridge

MEXICO CITY - In a move designed to boost brand recognition, the fast-food chain Eatza Chicken has purchased the ancient Mayan city of Chichen Itza and renamed it to “Eatza Chicken”.

Eatza Chicken spokesperson Mark Ting said, “We don’t believe tourists or leotard-clad natives should have to go far to enjoy the greasy, refried taste of Eatza Chicken chicken.”

The new menu will include localizations of some of their popular entrees, including “Temple Of The Hot Wings, Drumstick Pyramids, and Jumpin’ Jungle Cola.”

Archaeologists associated with the ongoing restoration project in the temple complex area discovered last year voiced concerns over the fate of their efforts. Ting told the archaeologists in an open letter, “In preparation for the grand opening, Eatza Chicken plans to bulldoze all that old crap out of the way to make room for a 14-acre parking lot. Deal with it.”

Michael Breckenridge contributed to this story.

By Robert Breckenridge

Leaders in the field of flatulence convened today at the International Gastrointestinal Gauging Summit. The goal of the conference was to determine what methods of fart measurement are scientific and therefore part of “Gastronomy”, and to determine what methods are quackery and relegate them to the much-maligned field of “Gastrology.”

“First of all, I resent being pigeon-holed as a quack,” squawked Harlan Sheckleby, a self-described Gastrologist. “I can pinpoint when and where you’ll have gas by using my patented ‘Tarot of the Seventh Sneeze’ tarot beads and palm incense technique.”

“That’s ridiculous,” countered Quinn Halversmead, Director of the Mayonnaise Clinic’s Gastronomy Lab. “I am a scientist and use technology to find out the facts of someone’s digestion. I should know. I am smarter than you because I am a scientist and scientists invented technology.”

The conference adjourned early because too many test subjects arrived and started making everyone nauseous.

Michael Breckenridge contributed to this story.

By Robert Breckenridge

CAIRNS - Ocean lovers today were shocked by the appearance of a giant Great White shark, estimated to be at least 150 feet long and 30 feet in diameter. It was seen chasing after a watersled rider, who narrowly escaped its gaping jaws. Luckily for the rider, the shark didn’t catch him. The shark lingered in the area for approximately 2 minutes, then quickly vanished to sea. A number of onlookers witnessed the horrific event and one managed to snap a picture of the beast. Darren Walker, the rider of the watersled, had this to say: “It was so fucking big, I thought I was in one of those disaster flicks from Hollywood.”

President Bush, upon hearing news of the sighting, promptly issued a “Nation of Emergency” for Australia. When informed he couldn’t do that, he retracted the statement and said this: “It is the goal of the United States of America to eliminate from the world all forms of terror, now including terror inflicted by animals.”

Prime Minister John Howard was quick to point out that his nation doesn’t possess nuclear weapons. “The appearance of a giant shark in Australian waters proves that the shark belongs to the Commonwealth of Australia, not to anyone else. Any attempt to harm the shark will be viewed as an act of war.” He then stated that a shark of that size would be the perfect complement to Australia’s Navy, silently striking enemy ships and swallowing small nations like Japan and the Netherlands.

By Robert Breckenridge

Former Soviets have much to talk about now: the first communist c-store on the moon. Everything needed to construct and maintain the c-store was launched nearly a week ago from the Vakuminsky Cosmodrome north of Vladivostok. In true Soviet fashion, the c-store is totally impractical from a Western point of view. You will have to stand for hours waiting outside only to discover that the store shelves are bare.

When asked about how people were going to get to the moon to hopefully shop at the c-store, the owner, Yuri Glabonov said “What do you mean, the moon isn’t convenient?”

With the commencement of the Chinese space program, China has vowed to set up neighboring store and drive the Soviet out of business. Or just collect protection money.

By Robert Breckenridge

Researchers and emotion pathologists at the National Anger Institute published a press release today stating that they finally discovered that female anger has a half-life of nearly 4,000 years. The breakthrough was achieved by isolating the DNA of a scorned woman, sequencing it, and then subjecting the specimen sample to intense ex-ray and ultraviolent light. The process effectively speeds up time.

Abdul Harkubar of the NAI had this to say: “It is finally the time when we as men know the consequences of asking if she is drinking diet soda.” Ray, the former lover of the woman whose name has not been released, said he’ll be more careful in the future when trying to think of something to say.

Egyptologists collaborating on the project can now close the book on the case of Darcissian Kronotopsis, an ancient Egyptian Queen who brutally stopped talking to her King. “The C-14 tests were showing some strange results, we couldn’t figure it out,” said project leader Jerome Sharp. “It turns out this half-life thing was getting in the way.”

It looks like Darcissian is finally going to calm down in another 5,000 years.