KYLE-AM .. Kyle In The Morning

By Robert Breckenridge

In a move that has Wall Street and the local real estate market flustered, local citizens are practicing what newspapers are calling “superstupidity,” the practice of feigning ignorance. Examples of this behavior include people continually asking directions to the restroom and how to operate the paper shredder. Full bladders are the order of the day and shoving a piece of paper into a slot requires additional instructions.

Superstupidity is taking its toll in the service industries as well - tow truck drivers are overwhelmed as the city streets are littered with cars out of gas. City Power officials say that the grid is teetering on the brink of disaster as every refrigerator door is left open and stove burner turned on. Air conditioners and heaters fight to cancel each other out.

Alzheimer’s patients are being discharged from local facilities with clean bills of health as no one can remember why they’re there.

I don’t know where the bathroom is, so I just wet my pants.

By Robert Breckenridge

A furious manhunt erupted today in response to a terrified woman’s report that her feces had been stolen. The theft occurred in the woman’s restroom of a nearby bookstore.

According to her report, the man entered the restroom, barged into the stall, and held her up at gunpoint. Apparently just for irony, it was a chocolate gun. The filthy fingered feces filcher then made off with his brown booty. Police were on the scene within minutes and a patrol car cornered the man three blocks away.

The man was found empty-handed but showed signs of trying to dump the merchandise. Police arrested him on three counts of turdburglary. A search was conducted to try and locate the missing excrement, but to no avail.

“I already had names for them!” she wailed. The cigars are survived by a strong sense of urgency.