Faulty Nuclear Printers Recalled
By Robert Breckenridge
Following a report released by the Consumer Safety Board earlier today, Hexlark Printers, Inc., is recalling 400,000 printers over concerns about an alleged faulty nuclear print fixing mechanism. The report states that in the event of a power failure, the printer’s heat regulation system will not be able to cool the rods properly, resulting in a nuclear meltdown.
“Hexlark would not be in this pickle if they hadn’t been so zealous in preventing after-market consumables providers from creating products that fit Hexlark printers,” industry critic John Debussy said. Melting the toner to the page can be easily accomplished with standard electric heating systems, he said. “I’m a power user, but not a nuclear power user.”
Hexlark remains belligerent in their stance despite the recall. “Our nuclear heating rods are so safe, you can shove them where the sun don’t shine. Go do yourself,” Hexlark spokesperson Hanmi A. Jay told reporters.
In light of the meltdown issue, General Tommy “Shoot-Em-Up” Gunn of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security expressed concerns over the possibility of a black market trade in “suitcase printers” because they are capable of creating a three megaton blast.
