By Robert Breckenridge
TRACTOR TOWN, MI - Vague Mills, Inc. is debuting a new breakfast cereal - Raisin Brain. Designed to be part of a balanced and nutritious breakfast, Raisin Brain features raisins, wheat bran, and chewy bits of cow brains.
Vague Mills partnered with several different cow parts distributors in order to make the cereal.
“Ever since the backlash of using cow brains and spinal fluid to make cosmetics and soap, we had to figure out where we were going to put the stuff. Nobody ever said anything about cereal, so we decided to go that route,” said Cow Parts America spokesperson Fred Durfhurdur.
The cereal is marketed towards the youth and ‘tween market and the box features a picture of a smiling, giddy cow with no skull, a la Hannibal Lecter.
By Robert Breckenridge
MEXICO CITY - In a move designed to boost brand recognition, the fast-food chain Eatza Chicken has purchased the ancient Mayan city of Chichen Itza and renamed it to “Eatza Chicken”.
Eatza Chicken spokesperson Mark Ting said, “We don’t believe tourists or leotard-clad natives should have to go far to enjoy the greasy, refried taste of Eatza Chicken chicken.”
The new menu will include localizations of some of their popular entrees, including “Temple Of The Hot Wings, Drumstick Pyramids, and Jumpin’ Jungle Cola.”
Archaeologists associated with the ongoing restoration project in the temple complex area discovered last year voiced concerns over the fate of their efforts. Ting told the archaeologists in an open letter, “In preparation for the grand opening, Eatza Chicken plans to bulldoze all that old crap out of the way to make room for a 14-acre parking lot. Deal with it.”
Michael Breckenridge contributed to this story.
By Robert Breckenridge
Following a report released by the Consumer Safety Board earlier today, Hexlark Printers, Inc., is recalling 400,000 printers over concerns about an alleged faulty nuclear print fixing mechanism. The report states that in the event of a power failure, the printer’s heat regulation system will not be able to cool the rods properly, resulting in a nuclear meltdown.
“Hexlark would not be in this pickle if they hadn’t been so zealous in preventing after-market consumables providers from creating products that fit Hexlark printers,” industry critic John Debussy said. Melting the toner to the page can be easily accomplished with standard electric heating systems, he said. “I’m a power user, but not a nuclear power user.”
Hexlark remains belligerent in their stance despite the recall. “Our nuclear heating rods are so safe, you can shove them where the sun don’t shine. Go do yourself,” Hexlark spokesperson Hanmi A. Jay told reporters.
In light of the meltdown issue, General Tommy “Shoot-Em-Up” Gunn of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security expressed concerns over the possibility of a black market trade in “suitcase printers” because they are capable of creating a three megaton blast.
By Robert Breckenridge
Coinciding with a trend to introduce new products based on health needs such as low fat or low sugar, Spiffy Peanut Products, Inc., announced today that they will be bringing to market a new kind of peanut butter jar, one that has one lid on each side of the jar.
The reason for this, according to a company press release, is that people with obsessive-compulsive disorder will now have two lids to leave slightly off and two smooth peanut butter tops to worry about messing up.
It was not clear, however, how this would actually help people with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
