By Robert Breckenridge
SHERBROOKE, NOVA SCOTIA - Disaster struck the maple syrup pipeline that links Canada to Sweden early this morning at 3:14 am Maple Syrup Time (MST), cutting off the supply and severely affecting the morning breakfast in that Northern European country.
The pipeline was designed with pressure valves and safety cutoffs all along its length so as to prevent further damage from occurring. Canadian officials estimated a mid-morning solution to the problem. Radio news programs advised businesses and schools to expect late arrivals as families waited for the maple taps to resume flowing.
Lights came on in the parliamentary buildings in both countries as soon they received word that the pipeline had broken. Canadian and Swedish officials immediately dispatched Royal Navy repair crews to get the pipeline working as soon as possible.
Swedes sporting cloth napkin bibs, a fork in one hand and a spoon in the other and staring with quiet forlorn at one another at breakfast tables all across the frozen country hoped the Canadians would work quickly so they could enjoy their hotcakes and crepes in their time-honored fashion.
Michael Breckenridge contributed to this story.
By Robert Breckenridge
CAIRNS - Ocean lovers today were shocked by the appearance of a giant Great White shark, estimated to be at least 150 feet long and 30 feet in diameter. It was seen chasing after a watersled rider, who narrowly escaped its gaping jaws. Luckily for the rider, the shark didn’t catch him. The shark lingered in the area for approximately 2 minutes, then quickly vanished to sea. A number of onlookers witnessed the horrific event and one managed to snap a picture of the beast. Darren Walker, the rider of the watersled, had this to say: “It was so fucking big, I thought I was in one of those disaster flicks from Hollywood.”
President Bush, upon hearing news of the sighting, promptly issued a “Nation of Emergency” for Australia. When informed he couldn’t do that, he retracted the statement and said this: “It is the goal of the United States of America to eliminate from the world all forms of terror, now including terror inflicted by animals.”
Prime Minister John Howard was quick to point out that his nation doesn’t possess nuclear weapons. “The appearance of a giant shark in Australian waters proves that the shark belongs to the Commonwealth of Australia, not to anyone else. Any attempt to harm the shark will be viewed as an act of war.” He then stated that a shark of that size would be the perfect complement to Australia’s Navy, silently striking enemy ships and swallowing small nations like Japan and the Netherlands.
