KYLE-AM .. Kyle In The Morning

By Robert Breckenridge

A concert hall brimming with enthusiastic fans of techno music had an unfortunate collision with a fan of a different genre - country. The concert was going very well until the sound system cut out altogether - plunging the hall into a chaos of cussing, a sweltering shower of swearing, and a cocophony of confusion. Technicians worked quickly to try and determine what had caused the catastrophic failure. They brought onstage a portable PA system so that the lead singer could calm the audience down before they began to walk out.

Amidst all this, one of the local hired hands hobbled on stage. The old, one-eyed man began a truly terrible rendition of a song whose only words were “country roads”, sung with a falling intonation each time.

He managed to warble out six measures before being yanked off stage by roadies. It was too late, though, as throngs of people began a stampede out of the auditorium.

Attempts to call the audience back in, even after the sound system had been repaired, failed, but the incident is not expected to affect future performances.

By Michael Breckenridge

MIAMI – Following an accident on board a ship bound over from Antarctica, a previously frozen man was found beating a large turkey drumstick in the air to the frenzied rhythms of a local band at an after-hours beach party Friday night.

The formerly quiescent man had slipped out of the hold of a frigate inbound to Biscayne Bay from the South Pole. The iceman, believed to be at least 10,000 years old, was recently discovered by German scientists in a sheet of ice near the Ross Point Station. As a result of global warming, the ice broke open, revealing the man’s location 80 feet down inside the crevasse.

Like a scene from a Hitchcock movie, the iceman was cut from the wall of the crevasse, bundled in jute and chains and placed aboard the frigate for transport back to a research facility on the Florida mainland.

“I don’t know why they call them frigates,” lead scientist Paul Fleischsauger said. “I guess ‘fuck bucket’ was taken.”

“This was the most important discovery for mankind since, I don’t know, the moon mission or something,” Gregor Gnieseficken said. “How they let it slip through an open door and topple into the warm water below is like a scene from a cartoon.”

Once free of the ice, the iceman escaped the Houdini-like gift-wrapping and swam to the beach. He found some clothes and joined a party already in progress.

“It was undoubtedly not difficult for him to do that,” Fleischsauger said. “Women probably brought him clothes just for the opportunity to be near him. ‘I clothed him, he’s mine,’ that would be the attitude. You would think that being locked in ice would reduce a man, and he is short, yes, but believe me – this man is not small.”

“He looked like the brother of a friend of mine, so I didn’t think twice about it,” party organizer Margarita Cuervo said. “He picked up this huge drumstick from the catering table and just starting shaking it all around. That’s what it’s all about.”

The iceman was originally scheduled to be cut open and examined, then stuck in a glass case of formaldehyde and put on display at the Smithsonian. No one anticipated his reanimation or his love of music and dancing.

“My studio has been contracted by the scientists assigned to the iceman for the purpose of doing some image-making and laying down tracks,” DJ Eksyt said.

“Paul thought, maybe call him ‘Ice Cube,’ but the DJ said that was taken,” Gnieseficken said. “So I thought, maybe ‘Ice Ice Baby’ would be a good slogan, but that is also taken.”

“We leave this job in the DJ’s capable hands,” Fleischsauger said. “She assured us she can provide him with the best service, and at no cost to us, which is good, because it’s a lot of red tape to go through channels on something like this.”

The iceman will be the subject of an upcoming special on the Discover Channel, simulcast on MTV.

Special thanks to our friend Jon Martinez for posing with the turkey drumstick for this story.

By Michael Breckenridge

LOS ANGELES - A local man stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase through city streets. “I was tired of walking,” he said. An officer boarded the lumbering juggernaut and ground it to a halt.

The theft had been spotted by a group of kids in their mystery van. Fred, Daphne, Wilma and Shaggy noticed the man was not wearing a hard hat and realized the steamroller was stolen from the nearby construction site. Their dog called police but no one could understand him. He handed the phone to Shaggy.

“Like, there’s this crazy coot carousing on a commandeered Caterpillar,” he said.

“Curses!” The bad guy said to the officers. “I was just steamrolling along until those pesky kids interfered!”

By Michael Breckenridge

Drug-induced paranoia caused “Phil Bert,” the anthropomorphic moniker of a filbert, to enter the mouth of a local squirrel and lead police on a wild chase through the park. A filbert is an edible tree fruit surrounded by a woody husk commonly found in local stores and kids’ stockings at Christmastime. The soft buttery flesh of the nutmeat is also referred to as a hazelnut.

“I am not a hazelnut!” Bert said.

The difficulties began when Bert was ejected from the squirrel’s mouth into a previously designated hole in the ground. “Obviously, this was a premeditated act by his accomplice, whom we are calling Joe Squirrel, pending further identification,” officer Dan Hossifer said.

A melee ensued as officers scrambled for Phil Bert. The smooth brown shell covered in a slippery glaze of squirrel sputum continued to evade a solid grip. Every squeeze of the nut ended in a messy squirt into the air from the officer’s hand. Upon apprehension, the officers noted that their quarry was not a filbert. It was a hickory nut, a much harder edible tree fruit surrounded by an iron-like dense wood casement. “Only a shagbark hickory bears a fruit this hard. We thought we were chasing a filbert. This hardened criminal of the tree world really shagged us,” Hossifer said.

“I would have sprouted next spring into every midwestern lawnmower’s worst nightmare!” the hickory nut said.

Officers attempted to use a Texas nutcracker to pry Phil Bert from its protective shell. The extreme hardness required use of a nine pound sledgehammer to break it. “That was one tough nut on crack,” Hossifer said.

By Robert Breckenridge

Emergency response dispatchers were alerted by residents of an apartment complex that loud crashing sounds and hysterical laughter were coming from one of the units there. Police and emergency medical personnel arriving on the scene were aghast at the situation. A 45 year old male was nearly comatose on the floor after overdosing on endorphins.

Police were unable to locate any of the drug remaining in the apartment to enter into evidence. They did, however, find a computer whose web browser was showing a website with humorous articles on it. “Endorphin exposure can be caused by reading funny or mirthful stories,” officer Dan Hossifer said. Medical personnel treated the man, whose name has not been released, for two broken ribs at a nearby hospital.

“Endorphin overdose is a very serious condition because it is extremely addictive,” Dr. Peter Ficken at Mercy Hospital told reporters. “The effect wears off quickly, requiring more and heavier doses with each exposure.” The reporters began to smirk at the doctor. Flustered, the doctor stammered, “This is no laughing matter.”

Michael Breckenridge contributed to this story.