By Robert Breckenridge
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration today greenlighted Jerck Pharmaceuticals to begin marketing a new drug aimed at stopping the crippling and sometimes fatal hand-me-downs syndrome.
Once thought to have been totally cured by the mid-to-late twentieth century, isolated cases of hand-me-downs syndrome have been popping up all over the country. Jerck has been working for over a decade to find an effective cure. HMDS usually begins in the fetus and affects both genders equally. It remains dormant until about age 6 and becomes immediately evident when the youngster begins complaining about their ill-fitting, unfashionable clothing. It then quickly cripples their fashion-oriented friendships.
Jerck’s new drug, Borremal, helps to treat the condition by dulling the spirit. Possible side effects include staring into space and listlessness.
Borremal will be administered by school nurses nationwide starting next year.
By Robert Breckenridge
TRACTOR TOWN, MI - Vague Mills, Inc. is debuting a new breakfast cereal - Raisin Brain. Designed to be part of a balanced and nutritious breakfast, Raisin Brain features raisins, wheat bran, and chewy bits of cow brains.
Vague Mills partnered with several different cow parts distributors in order to make the cereal.
“Ever since the backlash of using cow brains and spinal fluid to make cosmetics and soap, we had to figure out where we were going to put the stuff. Nobody ever said anything about cereal, so we decided to go that route,” said Cow Parts America spokesperson Fred Durfhurdur.
The cereal is marketed towards the youth and ‘tween market and the box features a picture of a smiling, giddy cow with no skull, a la Hannibal Lecter.
By Michael Breckenridge
LOS ANGELES - A local man stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase through city streets. “I was tired of walking,” he said. An officer boarded the lumbering juggernaut and ground it to a halt.
The theft had been spotted by a group of kids in their mystery van. Fred, Daphne, Wilma and Shaggy noticed the man was not wearing a hard hat and realized the steamroller was stolen from the nearby construction site. Their dog called police but no one could understand him. He handed the phone to Shaggy.
“Like, there’s this crazy coot carousing on a commandeered Caterpillar,” he said.
“Curses!” The bad guy said to the officers. “I was just steamrolling along until those pesky kids interfered!”
