KYLE-AM .. Kyle In The Morning

By Michael Breckenridge

A crank letter to share with friends…you know you want to forward it, so go ahead!

Be sure to include a link back to KYLE-AM! 

Hello <first_name>, my beloved,

I small cute girl from long far away country. My father was chief of village before president of hostile country take him and threaten family. Now everyone dead but me. My father leave small fortune for small cute girl in state run bank. I no can get money cos of bad men try to take. Please <first_name>, help small cute girl get money out by being my long far away relation I document you, no problems. You keep 90% of money ok? I small cute girl need only small sum of millions dollars USD. You keep rest for thank you. I know you help me right cos you got big loving heart for to do right thing. Then I be in danger no more. I get big loving heart for you when I think upon you helping me! You send me name, address, age, gender, occupation, how long you live there, social number, income amount, maiden name of mother, height, weight, color of eye and hair, and shoe size. If you got western union account all ready you send the numbers ok? I get you documents. Maybe send photo if you got? Then I get you document and you be my relation then. Sweet <first_name>, I come see you maybe if you want, even consummate deal, your choice. But first we get money. Then we both rich and do what we desire. Ok? Yes it be good plan. I know it work will. God is on our side. Angels protect. We do right thing together. It be good thing. But hurry now. Time not on our side. Death squads be everywhere! Bank belong to them now. Must be quick to fetch currency before all spent on long knives to cut small cute girl. Send all info with swiftly speed of cheetah. You maybe have bills hmm? I be like lady luck for you today. Ok, <first_name>, you send all info now. I wait with impatience for you letter.

Your beloved,

Ms. Hapi Thanksgivinka Crankaletta (small cute girl)

This letter was brought to you by the numbers 8, 6, 7, 5, 3, the letter “O” and 9.

What is a rare phrase? It is a phrase you won’t find anywhere else on the internet using Google as of the date it was added to this page. Some are a bit unlikely, but many are so self-evident, that it’s surprising to find no results for them. We’re going to make an understated television commercial about them. Enjoy!

“SPAM sucks but I like it” - OK, I admit to completely making that one up. There were no Google AdWords next to this one either. Maybe Hormel Foods, makers of SPAM, don’t advertise next to phrases that juxtapose “SPAM” with “sucks”. Or maybe it was because of this article in IT World Canada. Which is funny in a way, because the official SPAM website links directly to the Monty Python SPAMALOT website! It’s a messed up world out there, kids! Be careful, and don’t forget to eat your SPAM! (People aren’t saying that online. Funny, that!

“Will attend meetings for coffee and donuts” - Now you’d think a business site would have picked up on this one by now. Pretty obvious bit of office humor when you think about it!

“Suzy sold seashells by the seashore” - famous kiddie alliteration (really! - quite famous, it’s just that no one else is writing about it! Guess what? Many of the linked sentences on this site are, in fact, rare phrases!)

“I need to reel in some cash” - said by the Touch Tone Terrorists character Blade Jones

“Terrified housewife eats her own foot” - headline on “The Midnight Star” as seen in the Weird Al Yankovic video for “Midnight Star.” Not only did this one have no results, it also had no Google AdWords ads on the right hand side of the page! What, no foot fetish sites out there want in on that? What’s really ironic is that the rare phrase “no Google AdWords ads on the right hand side of the page” *has* Google AdWords on the right hand side of the page!

“The closer I am to frying” - misheard lyric from the Clam Chowder cover of the Indigo Girls song “Closer To Fine”

And here you thought it had all been said by now. Maybe it has, but it wasn’t showing up on Google when we checked! *Our name is a rare phrase too! How cool is that?

Thank you for visiting The Museum of Rare Phrases!

By Michael Breckenridge

How many times have you ordered pizza and wondered to yourself, “How could I have a little fun with this situation?” Here’s the answer!

1. Press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a name for a new kind of credit card. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo. “What’s your 20? Ten-four, good buddy! Roger, over and out.”

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, say “Just surprise me, OK?” and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them, “I’ve been so naughty, bring me something devilishly sinful. How much extra will it cost to get your delivery person to bring it to me in the nude?”

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: clout, dilapidated, banal, amorphous and titillating.

11. Tell them, “Put the crust on top this time.”

12. Sing your order to the tune of “The Alphabet song.”

13. Spell out all the names of the toppings you want.

14. Use an “Igor” like accent when you say “crazy bread.”

15. Stutter all words starting with p, t and s. Roll your r’s.

16. Ask for a trademark deal only available somewhere else. For example, tell them to Super Size it.

17. Ask what your order taker is wearing.

18. Tell your order taker to send the delivery person into the party and look for the naked people.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if the pizza joint called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. When they ask if you want any drinks with that, panic and chatter incoherently.

21. Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get them to cheer you up. Tell them to bring some Prozac.

22. Make a list of foods not usually found on American pizza, like caviar, escargot, and snake meat. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent after every sentence.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask them if they have pencil and paper ready.

25. Act like you remember the order taker from some embarrassing event of the past. “Hey, I know you! You were at Camp Cryariver for Bedwetters, right?”

26. Start your order with “I’d like…” Then after you’ve said it, make a loud slapping sound like you just got clobbered, start panting and cussing under your breath and say “I’m sorry. I take that back. I definitely DON’T want that!”

27. When they repeat the order back to you, say “OK, that’ll be $10.99 at the first window.”

28. Ask about rent to own or lease agreements on the pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener. Cackle like a witch on Halloween.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of “pepperoni.” Use the long “i” sound: “pep-er-own-EYE.”

32. Ask for your pizza to be “shaken, not stirred.”

33. Fluster them. “Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)?” When they say yes, say “Well, so is this! You’ve got some explaining to do!” When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and say, “Do you know what it’s like to be lied to?”

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

35. Tell them you like your pizza “stone cold dead.” Then menacingly, “Think you can handle that?”

36. Imitate the order taker’s voice and repeat their words.

37. Add the word “money” after all nouns: “I’d like a pepperoni pizza money and an order of crazy bread money. Do you have Pepsi money?”

38. When they say “What would you like?” make a gagging sound and say, “You mean now?”

39. Play a sitar while talking on speaker phone. Use an East Indian accent.

40. Tell the order taker it’s your anniversary and you’d like the delivery person to hide behind a bush by the porch and then spring out and yell “Surprise!” when she walks up. Then snap your fingers and say, “Oh and one more thing. Your driver wears kevlar, right?”

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about trailer parks. Sound like “Larry The Cable Guy.”

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Shakespeare.

44. Say you’ll be able to pay for your order when the movie royalties start rolling in.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with a vintage Merlot.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece, then tell your dog to cut it out.

48. Order a piece of pepperoni. No, not a pepperoni pizza, just a piece of pepperoni. Explain that you’re on a strict diet.

49. Shout “I’m through with you people! Garçon, check please!”

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say “Hello? Who is this?”

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker. “Tell me about your mother.”

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them back and ask again.

53. Order two toppings, then say, “No, forget that. They’ll just start fighting.”

54. Learn to pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask for them as toppings on the pizza.

55. Call to complain about the service. Tell them you’ve never seen a pizza delivered with a library book stuck to the crust before.

56. Tell the order taker your uncle is Donald Trump, and he says to tell you you’re fired.

57. Imitate Bob Marley. Sing, “I eat two toppings in morning, I eat two toppings at night. I eat two toppings in the afternoon, it makes me feel all right.”

58. Use interjections like “Great Scott!” and “Jiminy!” For a bonus add “Wig out, trippy vibes!”

59. Say, “I will only speak to the fine young cannibal who took my order last time. Yowza!”

60. After everything the order taker says, reply, “I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.”

61. Announce that you love to trim nose hairs and ask if it would be OK to trim the nose hairs of the delivery person.

62. Gargle your order.

63. Start the conversation with “Slate - My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and . . . action!”

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza service and repair.

66. Be vague about what you want on your order. Refuse to clarify.

67. When they repeat your order, say “That was good. Let’s try it one more time, but this time with a little more OOMPH.”

68. Instead of saying “information,” tell them, “give me the,” then type 411 on the keypad.

69. After ordering, say “I wonder what this button on the phone does.” Scream in pain.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be my last entry.”

71. State your order and say that’s as far as this relationship is going to go.

72. Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask them to do it to your pizza.

73. Say “Kssht” loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

74. Tell the order taker, “your psychic aura is full of bad karma. I don’t know if I can go through with this.”

75. When listing the toppings you want on your pizza, include “compact snow and ice.”

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Play it your conversation with a sing-song voice.

77. Tell them you’re at a competing pizza joint and could they send a plainclothes delivery person with your order in a plain brown wrapper.

78. Use a voice changer to sound like Regis Philbin. When they give the total, ask them if that’s their final answer.

79. Put them on hold. Call their competition and conference them in.

80. Tell the order taker you have to order using the secret code. Tell them you don’t want any trouble. “Just give me the password and everything will be OK.”

81. Tell them you wished upon a star that they would deliver a free pizza, and if they don’t, the bad people will win.

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say “No mushrooms, please.” Argue the point.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say “You just don’t get it, do you?”

84. When you’re given the price, say “Oh no, that’s too complicated. I don’t do the math.”

85. Negotiate the price. Say “I want a second opinion on that.”

86. Order a half-acre pizza. Tell them to deliver it to hell, because “it’s hell’s half acre.”

87. Ask them if their establishment is covered by the pizza rider on your life insurance policy.

88. When they say “Will that be all?” snicker and say “We’ll find out, won’t we?”

89. Order by dialing up words on a Speak-n-Spell.

90. Ask how many dolphins will be killed in the making of your pizza.

91. While on the phone, use different voices. Tell them your personalities are having a hard time deciding.

92. Demand a “licorice pizza.”

93. Don’t say the word “pizza.” When they ask if you want a pizza, say “Please don’t say that word.”

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell “Ouch, dammit, that hurt!” when a bullet is fired.

95. When the order taker suggests a side order, ask them why they are punishing you.

96. Ask them if the pizza has had its shots. Ask them to provide proof of immunization.

97. Order a steamed clam pizza, including the shells.

98. Write down the order taker’s name. Call back in an hour and say, “This is your (time of day) wake-up call, (order taker’s name).” Ask them to thank you for the notification.

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with sexual favors.

When these suggestions are rejected by the order taker,

100. Say in your best pouty voice, “Fiddlesticks! The last guy let me do it!”

Note: you hold harmless Michael Breckenridge and KYLE-AM.com for anything that happens as a result of your foolish attempt to actually try any of these pranks.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least twenty times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.” The next week the lady comes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly.”

The doctor says, “Good, now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, “That I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.” And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. “You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on it’s head.”

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn’t be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example…

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax” depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, “ko-kou-ko-le,” which can be loosely translated as “happiness in the mouth.”

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” came out as “Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.”

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off.”

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, “Salem - Feeling Free,” got translated in the Japanese market into “When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.”

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that “no va” means “it won’t go.” After the company figured out why it wasn’t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals”. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” However, the company’s mistakenly thought the spanish word “embarazar” meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that “It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of the desired “I Saw the Pope” in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed “I Saw the Potato.”

Chicken-man Frank Perdue’s slogan, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained “It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused.”

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means “big breasts.” In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan’s second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

and finally…

In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink’s eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, “Orange juice. It gets your pecker up.”

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do they put braille on the buttons at the drive up ATM machines?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “I’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot?”

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And finally …

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you. Now, how many times did you shake your head to agree or laugh out loud!

[Editor’s Note: this joke qualifies as “totally tasteless.” If that offends you, please don’t read it.]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two black plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There’s a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a police officer stops her.

“Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag,” he says.

“Damn!” says the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!”

“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?”

“Oh, no”, says the little old lady. “You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with my pruning shears, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!”

“That’s not very funny,” the cop says, wincing to himself at the thought of it. “What’s in the other bag?”

“Well”, says the little old lady, “not all of them pay up…”

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: “I’ve got bad news for you - you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says: “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers: “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.”

The doctor replies: “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease.”

The guy says to the doctor: “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: “Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!”

“Oh, Thank God!” the man replies.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself! You save money.”

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

“Mommy,” he asked, “Are these my brains?”

Mommy answered, “Not yet.”

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, “Your barracks door is open.” Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, “Your fly is open.” He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his “barracks door.” He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, “When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?”

The lady (naturally smarter than the man!) thought for a moment and said, “No, no I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.”

By Michael Breckenridge

Bad puns are humorous little jokes that use ironic juxtaposition and other English language pyrotechnics to give the reader a little thrill, ending in a smirk and a hearty groan: “Oh, that’s so bad!” Let’s begin:

Why did the farmer bring his old cattle to the front of the barn and load his young ones in the back?
He was rotating stock.

I think I’ll start a new company called Dicker. It will sell two products. One will be alcoholic beverages in bottles. The second will be an alcoholic rub with DMSO for faster absorption. That way, people can enjoy a Dicker Liquor, or if they’re in a hurry, a quicker Dicker Liquor.

What is always true about sex?
There are no “hard and fast” rules.

What is a sex joke?
A quickie story with a humorous climax.

What do hillbillies call a Christmas dance?
A ho-ho-hoe-down.

What movie is Spielberg working on featuring giraffes?
Giraffic Park.

What did the elephant in Los Angeles who dressed up as a ghost for Halloween call himself?
L.A. Phantom

What movie stars a monarch who can’t tell the truth?
The Lyin’ King

What do you call a pot full of knobs that turn?
A crock a’ dials