KYLE-AM .. Kyle In The Morning

By Michael Breckenridge

MENLO PARK, Calif. — While many companies plan summer picnics and softball games to boost camaraderie, creative organizations may choose more challenging or inventive methods of building rapport. The Creative Group, a specialized staffing service providing marketing, advertising, creative and web professionals on a project basis, recently asked 250 U.S. advertising and marketing executives to describe unusual team-building activities they have heard of or taken part in.

Those surveyed were asked, “What is the wackiest or most unusual team-building activity you’ve ever heard of a firm participating in?” Here are some of their responses:

• “Team skydiving.”
• “A group Segway tour.”
• “Line dancing on the beach in matching outfits.” 
• “We had to navigate a maze through a cornfield.”

Then again, misery loves company, which may have been the thought behind these next group outings:

• “We shoveled horse manure in a stable.”
• “We went camping 9,000 feet up and it rained for two days.” 

Some activities required employees to take a leap of faith:

• “People would fall out of a tree and hope their team would catch them.”
• “We created a human bridge to cross a small stream.”

“Teamwork and innovation are essential in the creative field, so firms are always looking for ways to enhance morale and spark the imagination,” said Dave Willmer, executive director of The Creative Group. “Because industry professionals are innovative, it’s only natural that their group activities sometimes stray from the beaten path.”

When choosing a fun group outing, for example, why go bowling or have a barbecue? KYLE-AM conducted its own survey of insane companies and discovered a harrowing array of death-defying team-building choices:

• “Our company baited shark-infested waters and then asked employees to swim naked to a floating platform half a mile out.”
• “The boss said it would demonstrate our company’s commitment to multicultural values if one of us ‘appeased the fire god’ and jump into a live volcano on our trip to Hawaii.”
• “I was part of a BASE jumping team who first had to stand waist-deep in a vat of cement. My pants fell off from the weight. Otherwise, I’d have ended up like the others.”
• “My girlfriend said her boss wanted to have a ‘Fear Factor’ contest that included kissing a live rattlesnake, eating poisonous mushrooms and something called ‘putting our heads together’ — with a bucket of superglue.”
• “My office brought in one of those money machines, except that for every dollar we caught, the amount was multiplied by ten and deducted from our paycheck. The money was supposed to be given to charity.”
• “We drew cards from a hat to determine what our team would do. My team had to set cars on fire in our competitor’s parking lot across town.”
• “My department head fired everyone and stipulated that if we divided into two teams and played tug-of-war across a swimming pool filled with sewage, the winning team could return to work with a 25 cent per hour raise.” 
• “Our company sponsored an enterprise-wide truth-or-dare contest. The winning entrant was dared to join a gang and go through the hazing ceremony.”
• “My office was divided into teams and had to act out scenes from pop songs. One of the teams used live ammunition to act out the scene from the Soul Coughing song Screenwriter’s Blues where lovers murder each other. It was very exciting.”

But the award for the most tragic company team-building event went to infamous call center conglomerate Telehell, Inc. in North Wackoff, Virginia. A fire broke out in the basement of the building. Following an employee productivity study last year, the fire alarms had been deactivated. Everyone stayed at their desks as the building became a towering inferno. By the time someone noticed flames and smoke coming up the elevator shafts and the stairwells, it was too late. Everyone broke the windows with office chairs and jumped to their deaths.

The sprinklers came on and put out the fire before the security camera tapes were consumed. Playing them back revealed the orderly participation of the employees in their last moments of life.

“I’m proud of what our previous team building efforts had accomplished,” Telehell CEO Jack Azwhol said. “When the going got tough, they worked together and remained cohesive and that’s really what team building is all about.”

These are TOTALLY INSANE websites. Visit at your own risk!!! I am SO not kidding about this*!!!

Penny Arcade - how long can *you* go without saying “fuck”?

Well, duh, it’s a PARROT - What happens when a call center worker cheats around the pet bird.

Pop Quiz - pop in your answers and get a twisted surprise!

Tit For Tat - a decidedly *adult* take on your favorite Teeny Toons characters!

Liquid Generation - you could spend hours staring dope-eyed at this junk candy!

UFOs Continue To Visit Nuclear Energy Sites - those pesky UFOs! What is Homer Simpson to do?

Urban Legends of the Spokane Police Department - knock-out perfumes, the Klingerman Virus, and bizarre gang initiations.

Delphion’s Gallery of Obscure Patents - the patent carnage continues! Will it ever end? Unlikely, as long as tinkers continue to think up new toys.

Rube Goldberg Gallery - cartoons of ”the most elaborate and ridiculous devices to accomplish the most mundane tasks.”

Totally Absurd Inventions - America’s goofiest patents - could they be patently absurd?

Brown & Michaels - “weird and wonderful patents” - when do people find time to invent this stuff?

Onion Head Monster - join the plot to capture the legendary lagoon goon! Are you more in the mood for evil or pie? The moment of decision has come. But first, it’s time for your painful shot!

Suzanne Was A Lady - Of course! What did you think she was? You with your dirty mind! lol

Weapons of Mass Destruction - cannot be displayed. Just kidding. That’s the point!

Milwaukee’s Best Light - Like to stare at the pretty girl? She doesn’t. Avert your eyes, knave!

Snackmaster 2000 - The Ambassadors of Snack visit San Francisco’s Chinatown and categorize the snack foods found there into categories such as: Fish Based, Inscrutability Quotient, Looks Like, Tastes Like, and Fear Factor. You’ll be ROTFL reading their “Research Comments.” Hysterical, especially if you actually eat a lot of Asian food like we do!

Extreme Kidnapping - hire a cadre of Charlie’s Angels girls to take you or your significant other out of their normal routine. No kidding!

Potty Putter - Miss the pot and the putt at the same time! The Piddle Poop ‘N Putt toilet putting green comes with its own balls and stick, in case you didn’t have any. We didn’t even get a free shot for mentioning it.

The Ultimate Showdown - This is a fight you would not want to get in the middle of. I thought for sure Chuck Norris was going to win.

The Secret War Against Technology - tower busters, succor punches and holy handgrenades, oh my!

My Pet Cyclops - Heeeeere, kitty, kitty, kitty!

On-line Orgasmic Simulation - You’ve always wondered how the other sex experiences an orgasm. Let this simulator explain it to you.

Lake Karachay - the most polluted lake ON EARTH. Imagine a fishin’ hole with enough radiation in it to kill you inside of an hour. Outside of hour, you’ll have a permanent shelf life - on a mausoleum shelf, that is. Nasty! Good thing they poured concrete to seal it up. Some stories get stranger the longer you read them.

Bellamy Salute - What Hitler stole from the USA, then made it so famous, we had to stop using it.

AHHHHHH!!!! - The name says it all. But in case you don’t understand, let me put it another way: AHHHHHH!!!!

Farmer’s Disease - excuse me while I go wash my hands, señor.

Holiday Snowglobe - some nut created this messed up little Flash attraction to sell long distance minutes. Want to knock a bunch of noisy, irritating kids off their feet? Now’s your chance!

Shit & Roses - “You provide the shit, and we’ll provide the roses.” We didn’t even get a free spray for mentioning it.

Crap I Drew On My Lunch Break - “…makes me want to yank my hair out on a daily basis…”

Traffic Cone Preservation Society - By preserving and studying these “Helpers of Humanity,” they hope to allow future generations the opportunity to enjoy these magnificent creatures in their natural habitats.

CaffeineWeb - remember those NASA photos of webs made by spiders on drugs? They’re here.

Requiem For A Dogpatch - Lil’ Abner’s failed Arkansas legacy - the biggest little theme park that couldn’t. Its story is as hillbilly as the Ozarks themselves. My only question is: Does this mean Sadie Hawkins Day is canceled?

Eccentric People - these folks need something new to do.

Unusual Deaths - support your local medical examiner: die strangely.

Flap over sparrow’s death mars domino record - MSNBC story - set to become a non-issue once the giant sharks of Australia eat the Netherlands.

Stealth Switch - every gamer needs this for the office. Co-worker or boss ambling by with coffee cup or file folder? No problem. This baby’s got your act covered. You *are* using the new TPS fax cover sheets aren’t you? I’ll fax you the memo. We didn’t get to step on it even once for mentioning it.

Caffeinated Soap - Engraved with a glorious “C” for Caffeine, scented with peppermint oil and infused with almost 4 grams of caffeine. Forget Lever 2000 - this is your real pick-me-up in the morning. We don’t even get a whiff of it for mentioning this.

Cat Feeder - VHS or Beta? The controversy rages anew as Make Magazine writer James Larsson shows you how to use an old VCR to feed your cat.

We Like The Moon - the Spongemonkeys at their best, which means being completely insane.

Zombo - “Welcome … this is Zombocom … Welcome to Zombocom…” You are getting very sleepy…

Bread Is Back - It’s the greatest thing since sliced lettuce! We didn’t even get a coupon for a free Ciabatta for this honorable mention. Ever notice that “Jack” is a name shared by the lead character Jack Torrance in The Shining, the mysterious London killer called “Jack The Ripper” and a man wearing a clown head who tried to blow up his own board of directors for retribution? Jack is back! We hope the Ciabatta is a “ripping” good eat! Because all play and no Ciabatta make Jack a dull boy! May we suggest washing it down with Red Rum?

Paris Hilton eats a Hardees/Carls Jr Spicy BBQ Burger while washing a Bentley car - “That’s hot.”

Aks Jeeves - drop some knowledge on me, young brother!

Moon Certificates - buy 100 acres of the Moon from the Martian Council of Kings - we don’t even get a free ride on a rocket for this link, just so you know.

Origami Boulder - you buy wadded paper now! Famous Internet artist send us no money for link.

Save Toby! - this man will eat his pet bunny on November 6, 2006 unless YOU help save him!

I Kill Frog - this is so dumb it’s funny - I laugh like a drunk monkey ever time I hear it!

Ogrish.com - “… represents the dark side of the world: murderers, terrorists, accidents, diseases, etc. This monster is continually hungry and constantly looking for ways to destroy life.” Must be 18+ to view.

The Darwin Awards - “We salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who remove themselves from it in really stupid ways.”

Worth 1000 - a picture is worth a thousand lies - check out the advanced Photoshop contest and gallery and see how graphic artists can truly mess with your mind!

The Death Psychic - “4 out of 5 users agree: The Death Psychic is more fun than actually dying!”

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar - Sixteen kids in the pale moonlight, Arkansas Saturday Night!

Dooce.com - an ab fab blog, “rockin’ the suburbs like Quiet Riot did,” written by Heather B. Armstrong, who was fired from her web design job for writing about work and colleagues. Been dooced lately?

The Web’s Worst Villains and Viruses - Think: “COPS … in AOL.”

SmashMyPhone.com - “Unforgiving technicians will crush your useless cell phone into small pieces.”

The Strange Case of The Shocker - something naughty to do with your fingers in public

Eternal Fubar - delightfully twisted little flash animations that must be seen to be appreciated!

Hall Of Technical Documentation Weirdness - “wacky, bizarre, surreal and otherwise strange examples of technical documentation, particularly illustration.”

Engrish - recent discoveries in the world of badly worded English by foreign speakers

Ten Thousand Statistically Grammar-Average Fake Band Names - got a band? get a name!

Groundhog .org - the Official Site of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club

Dirty Sanchez T-Shirt Hut - we don’t get a single centavo off this link, just so you know.

Where A Guy’s Mind Is - in case you didn’t already know.

Cambodian Troops Quarantine Quan’sul - After death, this parasite is able to restart the heart of its victim for up to two hours, resulting in violent zombie attacks!

Mona Superhero - she did this with duct tape and that’s scary.

Men Of The Internet - have you seen as many goofy looking guys outside your family photo album?

Natalie Dee - a cartoonist from Columbus, OH. The site is 18+ only because, as Natalie explains, there are “Boners, f-bombs, poop all over… you get the picture.”

Toothpaste For Dinner - cartoons about “hipsters, hamsters, and other pressing issues.” We love you, Drew! Kiss kiss hey what is this, toothpaste? EWWWW!!!!!

MUNGMUNGMUNGMUNGMUNG - cartoons seemingly inspired by some wicked bong hits

The Feejee (Fiji) Mermaids - disgusting handmade creations of horror from the seven seas

Citizens United Negating Technology For Life And People’s Safety - turn off the internet, quick!

French Military Victories - did you mean French military defeats?

* OK, I am kidding about this. Nothing bad will happen. But you might have a good time. Beware of that.