KYLE-AM .. Kyle In The Morning

By Michael Breckenridge

In a move that has United Nations officials worried about possible rate hikes and extending benefits to multiple life partners, animals used for the secret intelligence work of world governments have formed the Inter-Species Union of Covert Kludge Units (ISUCKU) at a conference today.

“Weer weer weer! (No longer will we be subjected to harsh and inhumane working conditions),” union boss and Secret Squirrel leader Ace Nut said. “Weer weer weer weeeeer wer weeer weer weer weer weeeeeeer! (We demand weekends off, no split day schedules, hazard pay for exceptionally dangerous situations, meaningful expense accounts, and adequate protection for our families while we are away).”

The conference was organized in response to the political fallout following the alleged capture and arrest of 14 Secret Squirrels by police in Iran.

“Weer weeer weer weer weeeer! (Our government sponsors have abandoned members of our families.) Weeeer weeer weer weeeer! (The lack of response is outrageous. This was a clandestine mission, not a covert one.) Weeer weer weer weer weeeer weeeeer! (Our sponsors should stand up and take responsibility and negotiate our comrades’ release),” Nut said.

The Secret Squirrels were joined by their comrades from the Cow Commandos, Bear Battalions, Killer Kitties, Diplomatic Dogs, Microphone Mice, Badgers of Basra, Kamikaze Camels, Pigeon Parachutists, Chemical Chickens, Defuser Dolphins, Jet Gerbils, Photo Fish, Berserker Bedbugs, Intelligence Iguanas, Hardware Horses, Mule Mascots, Radar Rabbits, Infantry Elephants, Logistics Lions, Poon Parakeets, Bomb Bats, Demolition Donkeys, Reconnaissance Raccoons, Marmot Marauders, Tasty Tigers, Camouflage Kangaroos, Fortress Foxes, Money Monkeys, Goat Go-Betweens, Deception Deer, Ration Rats, and Signal Snakes.

The ISUCKU conference was not without its own drama. Although the Diplomatic Dogs attempted to keep the Killer Kitties away from the Microphone Mice, they managed to use their cat cunning and sneak past, whereupon they discovered that the Microphone Mice are electronic USB devices and not actually alive.

The Infantry Elephants, initially tranquil in the presence of the Microphone Mice, thoughts of Timothy Q. Mouse, the famous friend of Dumbo on their minds, became alarmed at the idea that the mice were spying on the conference in a sort of Spy Vs. Spy game. The elephants trumpeted loudly and stampeded, crushing the Microphone Mice into silicon dust.

Radical Animal Rights activists attempted to enter the conference and “liberate” the attendees. The animals stormed the activists, cornering them at one end of the hotel ballroom where the conference was held.

“Weer weeeer wer weer weeer weer wer weeeer weer weeeeeeer! (You want to talk animal rights? We have the right to make a living and provide for our families. Why don’t you make yourselves useful and teach our jobless brethren in parks and zoos how to flip burgers or something. You’re probably good at that!),” Nut said.

The Cow Commandos hesitated for a moment at the squirrel’s statement to the humans.

“Ha! See? You don’t have the mandate you thought you had! Meat is murder!” the activists said.

“Moo,” the cows said.

“What’d she say?” an activist asked Nut.

“Weeer weer weeer! (They said forget it, they were just chewing their cud.)”

Dismayed at the cows’ fatalistic attitude, the activists opened a service access door in the wall behind them and made a hasty exit.

By Michael Breckenridge

A crank letter to share with friends…you know you want to forward it, so go ahead!

Be sure to include a link back to KYLE-AM! 

Hello <first_name>, my beloved,

I small cute girl from long far away country. My father was chief of village before president of hostile country take him and threaten family. Now everyone dead but me. My father leave small fortune for small cute girl in state run bank. I no can get money cos of bad men try to take. Please <first_name>, help small cute girl get money out by being my long far away relation I document you, no problems. You keep 90% of money ok? I small cute girl need only small sum of millions dollars USD. You keep rest for thank you. I know you help me right cos you got big loving heart for to do right thing. Then I be in danger no more. I get big loving heart for you when I think upon you helping me! You send me name, address, age, gender, occupation, how long you live there, social number, income amount, maiden name of mother, height, weight, color of eye and hair, and shoe size. If you got western union account all ready you send the numbers ok? I get you documents. Maybe send photo if you got? Then I get you document and you be my relation then. Sweet <first_name>, I come see you maybe if you want, even consummate deal, your choice. But first we get money. Then we both rich and do what we desire. Ok? Yes it be good plan. I know it work will. God is on our side. Angels protect. We do right thing together. It be good thing. But hurry now. Time not on our side. Death squads be everywhere! Bank belong to them now. Must be quick to fetch currency before all spent on long knives to cut small cute girl. Send all info with swiftly speed of cheetah. You maybe have bills hmm? I be like lady luck for you today. Ok, <first_name>, you send all info now. I wait with impatience for you letter.

Your beloved,

Ms. Hapi Thanksgivinka Crankaletta (small cute girl)

This letter was brought to you by the numbers 8, 6, 7, 5, 3, the letter “O” and 9.

By Michael Breckenridge

SAN FRANCISCO — Imminent social networking site BigNinjaRobots.com ”poses for ultimate greatness,” according to lead site developer Monk Desperatov. The site is scheduled to go live at an invitation-only LAN party offered to movers and shakers from both the open source and social networking communities.

“OMFG, this is the hostest with the mostest,” major blogger Omar Ragu said. “I will *SO* be blogging there. BigNinjaRobots deprecates everything. My new profile and blog are so now, I’m wearing color.” Ragu is not a coder but does bring his public relations knowledge to the partnership. “The mashup is like a hipper skin of Imeem, GarageBand, and DropJack. It’s kuah.”

“We are bumpin’, and I’m not talkin’ forums,” Desperatov said. “This totally truthenizes what MySpace did to Friendster, but *much* cooler.”

“Yeah, those guys are just Mongolian zombie hordes makin’ angry fruit salad,” co-founder Jine Jine Charlottine said.

“Seriously, tho’. They’re the Microsoft of social networks. We’re the Suse Linux,” Desperatov said.

“Me, Monk and Jine Jine were knockin’ back Irish Car Bombs at this geek-out St. Patrick’s Day party when I realized we were the 3 Wise Men,” Ragu said. “I mean, not just because of our alcohol content, but because of our skillz, man. We are loco sick, the mouse in the hizzouse. I mentioned how casters-up so many fugglies are when Monk’s hardcore ideas just started spillin’.”

“I’m a time travelin’, buzzin’, rappin’, freakin’ ninja, man,” Desperatov said while busting some moves and flashing gang signs.

“Haha, he’s our designated drunk,” Charlottine said.

“We’re all the designated drunk,” Ragu said.

I’m an anal fistin’ kamikaze june bug surfer on acid having sex on the beach in my Dana Point paradise, you muthafuckas,” Desperatov said as he swizzled an Oreo Lebowski.

“Haha, da boss is da bomb, check that,” Charlottine said.

“But seriously, those other nets are gonna be drawin’ aces cuz of us,” Desperatov said. “We’re talkin’ bagged and tagged.”

“Not that we’re tossin’ gauntlets, understand,” Ragu said, schlepping into his P.R. mode. “In fact, we’re offering a Toyota signature Adam Carolla Corolla to any competing exec who’d like to break their site’s crayons and pac-man our debt load. We’ll even throw in the big office. How twee is that?”

BigNinjaRobots hopes to start an IPO as soon as any exchange will let them. First, however, they’ll need some empty suits to give them the right appeal to the financial world. “We will totally excessorize the right exec. No shit,” Ragu said.

“They just need to cowgirl up their technolust for reals,” Desperatov said. “No dap and dip bluetooling allowed. This is technosexual.”

“Yeah, it’s like, DropJack’s got the face card but we’re all sevens, man, cuz seven eight nine,” Charlottine said. “Who’s your mac daddy now?”

“Double true,” Ragu said.

By Michael Breckenridge

MENLO PARK, Calif. — While many companies plan summer picnics and softball games to boost camaraderie, creative organizations may choose more challenging or inventive methods of building rapport. The Creative Group, a specialized staffing service providing marketing, advertising, creative and web professionals on a project basis, recently asked 250 U.S. advertising and marketing executives to describe unusual team-building activities they have heard of or taken part in.

Those surveyed were asked, “What is the wackiest or most unusual team-building activity you’ve ever heard of a firm participating in?” Here are some of their responses:

• “Team skydiving.”
• “A group Segway tour.”
• “Line dancing on the beach in matching outfits.” 
• “We had to navigate a maze through a cornfield.”

Then again, misery loves company, which may have been the thought behind these next group outings:

• “We shoveled horse manure in a stable.”
• “We went camping 9,000 feet up and it rained for two days.” 

Some activities required employees to take a leap of faith:

• “People would fall out of a tree and hope their team would catch them.”
• “We created a human bridge to cross a small stream.”

“Teamwork and innovation are essential in the creative field, so firms are always looking for ways to enhance morale and spark the imagination,” said Dave Willmer, executive director of The Creative Group. “Because industry professionals are innovative, it’s only natural that their group activities sometimes stray from the beaten path.”

When choosing a fun group outing, for example, why go bowling or have a barbecue? KYLE-AM conducted its own survey of insane companies and discovered a harrowing array of death-defying team-building choices:

• “Our company baited shark-infested waters and then asked employees to swim naked to a floating platform half a mile out.”
• “The boss said it would demonstrate our company’s commitment to multicultural values if one of us ‘appeased the fire god’ and jump into a live volcano on our trip to Hawaii.”
• “I was part of a BASE jumping team who first had to stand waist-deep in a vat of cement. My pants fell off from the weight. Otherwise, I’d have ended up like the others.”
• “My girlfriend said her boss wanted to have a ‘Fear Factor’ contest that included kissing a live rattlesnake, eating poisonous mushrooms and something called ‘putting our heads together’ — with a bucket of superglue.”
• “My office brought in one of those money machines, except that for every dollar we caught, the amount was multiplied by ten and deducted from our paycheck. The money was supposed to be given to charity.”
• “We drew cards from a hat to determine what our team would do. My team had to set cars on fire in our competitor’s parking lot across town.”
• “My department head fired everyone and stipulated that if we divided into two teams and played tug-of-war across a swimming pool filled with sewage, the winning team could return to work with a 25 cent per hour raise.” 
• “Our company sponsored an enterprise-wide truth-or-dare contest. The winning entrant was dared to join a gang and go through the hazing ceremony.”
• “My office was divided into teams and had to act out scenes from pop songs. One of the teams used live ammunition to act out the scene from the Soul Coughing song Screenwriter’s Blues where lovers murder each other. It was very exciting.”

But the award for the most tragic company team-building event went to infamous call center conglomerate Telehell, Inc. in North Wackoff, Virginia. A fire broke out in the basement of the building. Following an employee productivity study last year, the fire alarms had been deactivated. Everyone stayed at their desks as the building became a towering inferno. By the time someone noticed flames and smoke coming up the elevator shafts and the stairwells, it was too late. Everyone broke the windows with office chairs and jumped to their deaths.

The sprinklers came on and put out the fire before the security camera tapes were consumed. Playing them back revealed the orderly participation of the employees in their last moments of life.

“I’m proud of what our previous team building efforts had accomplished,” Telehell CEO Jack Azwhol said. “When the going got tough, they worked together and remained cohesive and that’s really what team building is all about.”

By Michael Breckenridge

It’s hard enough to apply for jobs these days; it takes writing a good cover letter, filling out an application, and of course, submitting a good resume.

Competition is fierce. How can one stand out from the crowd? Showing creativity is the number one way to get noticed in today’s intense marketplace.

CareerBuilder.com conducted a survey of human resources managers across the country for their new resume building service and found there are several important steps to take to be sure the resume looks exactly like everyone elses. KYLE-AM demonstrates how to take these same points and make an impact that will make an applicant stand out and possibly become the source of conversation around the watercooler:

• Your personal life is just that — personal. Show the hiring manager you have no secrets by discussing your waistline measurement or where you spend your summer vacations.

• Simple. Bold. Professional. Use flashy formatting and stationery with borders or graphics. For areas of special emphasis, try unconventional fonts or colored text.

• One size does not fit all. Showing what a jack-of-all-trades you are is sure to impress the boss. The world is full of specialists. Specialists may be special, but generalists become Generals.

• Two sets of eyes are better than one. If you wear contacts, be sure to mention that glasses are available whenever the boss needs you to “look smart”. If you actually have four eyes, be sure to send a photo. Check this image if you need one quickly.

In the event these four pillars of creativity are insufficiently inspiring, CareerBuilder.com has graciously provided a list of twelve resume enhancements that hiring managers and human resource professionals found most memorable:

1. Candidate included that he spent summers on his family’s yacht in Grand Cayman.
2. Candidate attached a letter from her mother.
3. Candidate used pale blue paper with teddy bears around the border.
4. Candidate explained a gap in employment by saying it was because he was getting over the death of his cat for three months.
5. Candidate specified that his availability was limited because Friday, Saturday and Sunday was “drinking time.”
6. Candidate included a picture of herself in a cheerleading uniform.
7. Candidate drew a picture of a car on the outside of the envelope and said it was the hiring manager’s gift.
8. Candidate’s hobbies included sitting on the levee at night watching alligators.
9. Candidate included the fact that her sister once won a strawberry eating contest.
10. Candidate explained that he works well nude.
11. Candidate included family medical history.

and the final entry, perfect for those with a police record, [drum roll please]…

12. Candidate explained an arrest by stating, “We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig.”

Now there are no more excuses for constructing a resume that will be remembered with cherished memories, and possibly peals of laughter, long after its careful and permanent placement in the round file.

By Michael Breckenridge

One of the world’s highest paid assassins, Viktor Trench-Côte, found his career cut short yesterday evening at a Manhattan bar during an impromptu weapons test.

“I saw this video for Metal Storm on Metacafe. She is the most powerful gun in the world and I knew I had to have her,” Trench-Côte said in an exclusive interview from his maximum security cell at a location undisclosed for security reasons.  “I had the weapon with me at the bar when I decided to try out a mentalism trick I learned online.”

“‘Think of a numeral between 1 and 10,’ I told this gentleman on the stool next to me. ‘OK, now multiply it by 2. Don’t forget the original numeral, OK? Now add 8 to the new numeral and divide by 2. Now subtract your original numeral from your new numeral. At this point, the gentleman say to me, ‘I forgot my original numeral.’ So I called him some unpleasant things and got up.”

Trench-Côte found a bell at the end of the bar and rang it. People quieted down a bit and he said aloud in his French accent, “Who wants to get shot for free?” Everyone raised their hand.

“It surprised me a little bit how many people volunteered, but they were consenting adults, so I thought, ‘Eh, who cares?’ I needed to know if the gun would live up to its advertising. It did.” At that moment, Trench-Cote pulled out his automatic weapon and mowed down all the bar patrons.

The bartender immediately called police. Squads of blue uniformed men and women poured into the building, nabbing Trench-Côte before he could escape. The battalion in blue was quickly followed by an entourage of ambulance paramedics.

Surprisingly, one of the responding units was the infamous ambulance from Lodz, Poland. The doctor and nurse picked up badly wounded but still living victims of the shooting and delivered them straight to local funeral homes.

“I didn’t expect the ambulance from Lodz,” the battalion chief said to the doctor and nurse. They exclaimed in unison: “No one expected the ambulance from Lodz!“

By Michael Breckenridge

Lake Wobegon, Minnesota — Local residents Barb and Jim found a superman in blue tights, 14 times the size of a normal man, from a planet 14 times the size of Earth, lying in a scorched patch of ground in their wheat field. Unsure what to do with their strange guest, they dragged him by his red flowing cape into their barn with a tractor.

When the superman came to his senses, he saw they had set up a card table with coffee and the trimmings for a light meal. Jim began to address him.

“These are the good years for Barb and me. The kids have all moved away, the mortgage is paid, and the pets are finally dead. And yet, something just hasn’t been right.”

“What’s troubling you, Jim,” Barb said.

“I felt a disturbance in the Force, Barb. As if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened.”

“Oh, your spidey-sense is tingling again. Have you taken the gamma radiation pills the doctor gave you for that?”

“No, dear, I haven’t. They were causing a startling metamorphosis, making my skin turn green and my whole body to grow into a hulking creature every time I grew angry or outraged,” Jim said. “Frankly, I was tired of waking up in alleys with my clothes in rags and not knowing how I got there, not to mention always hearing sad piano music while I was hitchhiking back home.”

“That’s true. I had to call Ghostbusters several times to go rescue you.”

“Barb, that’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you. Why did you always call Ghostbusters?”

“People knew there was something strange in the neighborhood. When your husband has turned green, busted out of his clothes and gone running off again, who ya gonna call?”

“Of course, dear. They’re accustomed to chasing green spectres. Better them and avoid a sting operation by the police.”

“Speaking of the police, what shall we do with our guest?” Barb said.

“You’re right. I’ve been so rude. Why don’t you put on Synchronicity. Mr. Superman - I don’t really know what to call you - do you like The Police?”

“If they are for truth, justice, and the American way,” the superman said. “And when you call me, you can call me Al. Al Ice from Gliese 876 d, a Super-Earth in a red dwarf solar system far, far away.”

“Charmed,” Barb said, extending her small hand. “Isn’t that the one with the orange colored sky?”

Al stuck out a finger which she touched with her own. Then he picked up the cup of coffee she had served him and ate it.

“It is difficult to be precise, Barb,” Al said. “I should say approximately, an orange-colored, purple-striped, pretty green polka-dot sky.”

“Difficult to be precise?” Jim said. “An orange-colored, purple-striped, polka-dot sky?”

“An orange-colored, purple-striped, pretty green polka-dot sky.”

“That’s a pretty close approximation.”

“I endeavor to be accurate.”

“You do quite well.”

“Do you smell fish?” Barb said.

“The burgers! They must be ready.” With a flick of his wrist, Jim retrieved a plate of meat patties for the three to enjoy with his spidey-webbing. “I’d offer you some asbestos to sprinkle on your burger - it tastes kinda funky - but my friend Clarence Washington told me it gives me the heebie-jeebies.”

“Is that right?” Al said.

“Yeah. I can’t sprinkle it on eggs in the morning or my Dutch Masters cigars either. For a while, I didn’t know what I was gonna eat.”

“So now, we’ve switched to ketchup,” Barb said, handing Al a super-sized bottle with the words “DRINK ME” beautifully printed on it in large letters.

“Ketchup has natural mellowing agents,” Jim said. “It makes a person more normal. Isn’t that super?”

Al picked up the tiny burger, tossed it in his mouth, then squeezed out the entire contents of the ketchup bottle on to his tongue with one super-pinch and ate it.

“This burger was a really wonderful idea. What an incredible taste you’ve discovered,” Al said.

“It’s a mixture of cherry tart, custard, pineapple, roast turkey, toffee, and hot buttered toast,” Barb said. “And one special ingredient from my brother: kryptonite.”

“What a curious feeling,” Al said. “I must be shutting up like a telescope.” The superman began to shrink to the size of a normal human. “What does your brother do?”

“He works for Lex Luthier. They make guitars.”

“How did you say they came into possession of kryptonite again?” Jim said.

“Because they couldn’t get moon rocks for their ultra high-end guitar picks. People love the Krypto-Picks™, shaped like a dog’s paw. They have the added benefit of providing adequate protection against caped crusaders from space with superhuman strength, in case one wants to break up your death metal concert right in the middle of a gnarly solo. It’s a good thing.”

“It’s a wonderful story, and it makes me feel charitable. Come on, Barb, let’s go down to the Red Cross and give blood for the Hurricane Katrina victims. Want to go with us, Al?”

“No thanks, I’d best be, uh, you know.” Al stood up, adjusted his tights and made an up, up and away gesture with his hands. “I believe I can fly.”

“Well, suit yourself. If you change your mind, there’s a phone booth down at the corner.”

Al climbed up to the roof of the barn and spread his arms. As Barb and Jim headed for the car, they heard a resounding thud as Al hit the ground.

“He’s dead, Jim,” Barb said. Lightning flashed and thunder rolled.

“Sounds like rain. When we get back we’ll bury him out on the lone prairie,” Jim said. “That’ll be the end of it.” They looked with melancholy at the fallen hero, then drove away.

The unsteady folkie voice of Rich Dworsky permeated the air with a wistful little song.

“Here in Minnesota / Al Ice and wheat fields / Here people know / The power kryptonite wields / Life is flowing like ketchup on steering wheels / Ketchup! Ketchup!”

By Robert Breckenridge

In a move to compare Windows to Linux, Microsoft corporation has decided to move to an online distribution system, where they will provide nightly builds of their operating system for people to download and install. Microsoft officials are calling this the “Latest Unstable Version” or LUV for short. Critics are concerned about the potential security problems already inherent in Windows, much less having no time for quality assurance.

“Microsoft has to move really, really fast, and this is how we’re gonna do it,” Steve Ballmer said at the press conference. “Can you feel the LUV? I’m gonna show you my oh-face.”

When industry experts pointed out that Linux distributions have many more people actually checking the code for bugs and developing drivers and compatibility layers for diverse hardware by providing the source code on the CVS code-sharing system, Ballmer said, “This is just for consumers to get a new Windows when we’ve added another breakthrough paradigm.”

A Chevrolet spokesperson was unavailable for comment on the possibility of trademark infringement over the use of the term “LUV”.

By Robert Breckenridge

Due to the tremendous success of Superstupidity last  year, Ultrastupidity trials are set to begin this fall.

“Success is a relative term here,” city councilman Winston Balderdash said. “We’ve been prepping the city power grid, telephone system, and water supply for the trials in August.”

Ultrastupidity builds on superstupidity’s practice of feigning ignorance by pretending one’s head lacks a brain. Local businesses, already harried by the impact of superstupidity, are definitely concerned about what ultrastupidity will do.

“We’ve been trying to step up basic security like smoke and fire sensors to get ready for ultrastupidity,” said Bill Garrote of Flume’s Fashions. “But with superstupidity still in effect, it’s hard to get work done because when the workers get here, they forget why they’re here. You know, I can’t really remember why we were trying to do that in the first place. Say, where’s the bathroom?”

If ultrastupidity is successful, it’s unclear what benefit it will have to the city. “Laws, morals, and basic common sense will probably have little meaning,” Balderdash said.

Real estate and market gurus are telling everybody who doesn’t already live here to get the hell out while there’s still time.

By Robert Breckenridge

A concert hall brimming with enthusiastic fans of techno music had an unfortunate collision with a fan of a different genre - country. The concert was going very well until the sound system cut out altogether - plunging the hall into a chaos of cussing, a sweltering shower of swearing, and a cocophony of confusion. Technicians worked quickly to try and determine what had caused the catastrophic failure. They brought onstage a portable PA system so that the lead singer could calm the audience down before they began to walk out.

Amidst all this, one of the local hired hands hobbled on stage. The old, one-eyed man began a truly terrible rendition of a song whose only words were “country roads”, sung with a falling intonation each time.

He managed to warble out six measures before being yanked off stage by roadies. It was too late, though, as throngs of people began a stampede out of the auditorium.

Attempts to call the audience back in, even after the sound system had been repaired, failed, but the incident is not expected to affect future performances.

By Robert Breckenridge

MANITOBA - A domestic dispute turned into an international spectacle today after two people carried their fight outdoors, and were then pursued by police.

The couple were chased onto a frozen lake where they began to circle around the edge. The pursuing officers followed, but instead of the quarry exiting the far side of the lake, they simply kept going around the edge of lake in a circle. Police called for backup.

The shouting attracted crowds of people. Determined not to get caught, the fugitives continued circling the lake with the police not far behind. This lasted nearly fourteen hours which gave bystanders time to set up bleachers, an announcer with PA system, and Olympic ice skating gold medalists Scott Hamilton and Suzy Chaffee to fly in and give commentary.

The chase ended promptly when the lake melted and everyone plunged into the water. Canadian Mounted Scuba Divers arrested the two fugitives.

It was later released that they were simply arguing over whose turn it was to wash dishes. Scott and Suzy added little to the moment as they had their own spate over who would speak first into the microphone.

Michael Breckenridge contributed to this story.

By Robert Breckenridge

SHERBROOKE, NOVA SCOTIA - Disaster struck the maple syrup pipeline that links Canada to Sweden early this morning at 3:14 am Maple Syrup Time (MST), cutting off the supply and severely affecting the morning breakfast in that Northern European country.

The pipeline was designed with pressure valves and safety cutoffs all along its length so as to prevent further damage from occurring. Canadian officials estimated a mid-morning solution to the problem. Radio news programs advised businesses and schools to expect late arrivals as families waited for the maple taps to resume flowing.

Lights came on in the parliamentary buildings in both countries as soon they received word that the pipeline had broken. Canadian and Swedish officials immediately dispatched Royal Navy repair crews to get the pipeline working as soon as possible.

Swedes sporting cloth napkin bibs, a fork in one hand and a spoon in the other and staring with quiet forlorn at one another at breakfast tables all across the frozen country hoped the Canadians would work quickly so they could enjoy their hotcakes and crepes in their time-honored fashion.

Michael Breckenridge contributed to this story.

By Robert Breckenridge

NORTH WACKOFF, VIRGINIA - Upper-level executives at Telehell, Inc., were dissatisfied with the fire marshal’s fire evacuation plan for their main headquarters. So they changed it. The original plan called for smoke detectors, fire beacons and emergency switches placed all over the building to be ready for potential disaster. During simulated fire drills, the beacons flashed brightly and sounded loudly. Employees fled for their lives.

“That’s a very negative situation,” commented Dean Asunder. “We didn’t like that. The stock price falls every time employees leave the building.”

Employee productivity, of course, fell to 0% while everyone was standing around outside.

The new plan calls for all fire equipment to be deactivated, so that the presence of a fire in the building doesn’t cause panic. After all, panic is bad, and people need to stay calm. Telehell executives put the new fire system to the test later yesterday afternoon when they torched the building.

The plan worked perfectly - employees continued to sit on the phone during the inferno. Their goal was achieved - 100% employee productivity during a fire.

Telehell plans on filing an insurance claim for three times the building’s worth and hiring a new staff of employees when they open their new headquarters later this spring.

Telehell plans to issue gift cards to those lost in the blaze.

By Michael Breckenridge

SAN FRANCISCO - Sexologists gathered for the Filth Annual Symposium of Sex Workers for Science announced today a new interpretation of the Big Bang Theory. The statement released to the media has caused an outcry from the quantum physics community and religious leaders.

“She banged, and it was good,” reads the first plank of the sexologist document, pointing to the group’s additional assertion that the universe is governed by a female deity engaged in sex.

“Correlation does not mean causation,” said Dr. Herman Malkipekt, representing the World Organization of Physicists. “Yes, we believe there was a big bang in the beginning, but we do not attribute anthropomorphic features to it.”

“There was no big bang - only God,” said Justin Kline of the World Assembly of Nondenominational Churches. “Then God said, let there be light. That is what was so good.”

“The Galactic Asteroid exited the Black Hole and created the first physic,” reads the second plank of the sexologist document.

“Patent nonsense!” Malkipekt said. “Physics has nothing to do with ‘a physic,’ which refers to a bowel movement. Besides, interstellar matter enters black holes, it does not exit them.”

The third plank, considered the most controversial, reads: “On the Galactic Asteroid, She built a brick house where Adam and Eve were meant to consummate their existence while She watched. When Adam was unable to feed his snake to Eve, they were cast out. Then She invented ‘Viagra’ and sent 6 million emails to them about it so they would always be able to enjoy increased male potency.”

“The song goes, ‘she’s a brick house,’ not ‘she built a brick house,’” said DJ Eksyt. “These people need to listen to more disco apparently.”

“The sacrilege is overwhelming,” Kline said. “And yet, I have the distinct feeling they just don’t know. The unchurched often have corrupted ideas about biblical teachings caused by errors that creep in from word of mouth reciting of stories and ideas. This is a little extreme, obviously, but I would still be willing to sit down with them for some counseling.”

“Counseling won’t help these people,” Malkipekt said. “Anyone who has ever seen a science fiction movie knows there is no atmosphere on an asteroid, and besides, it takes water to make bricks, and an asteroid that has no atmosphere also lacks the gravity necessary to hold water to the surface. Don’t even get me started about ‘Viagra.’ I’m so sick of those spam emails.”

“I actually bought some ‘Viagra’ for my boyfriend,” DJ Eksyt said. “We were not impressed. A man needs to be able to put away his bat when the ball game is over, you know what I mean?”

The Sex Workers for Science refused to claim responsibility for sending 6 million spam emails for “Viagra” in support of the Symposium.

By Robert Breckenridge

With much fanfare, the German film “Earth: Destroyed” debuted in theaters across much of North America this weekend. Although billed as an action thriller, the movie has puzzled many in the U.S. as there is almost no dialog in the film.

Reviews have been mixed - according to exit polling conducted by research firm Jimmy Stats Cornne, most men liked it, but most women gave it the thumbs down for being “too boring.”

“I felt like I had been left out of the conversation,” movie critic Janet Parkofong said.

The film is comprised almost entirely of hand to hand combat, trucks blowing up, and air raids. Considering the climax is clearly shown on lobby posters, it’s no spoiler to point out the finale features the Moon crashing into the Earth.

“My eardrums were buzzing after only 15 minutes” of the two hour film, moviegoer Jake Mountinklymer said. “Totally awesome! But once was enough.”

In light of such comments, the movie is not showing the kind of payoff the studio was expecting.

“We invested nearly half-billion U.S. dollars into making this film,” Planetshatter Studios executive Fritz Meineki said. “It had better make profit or there will be consequences.”

Director Arthur Muerte said in an interview that he can’t understand why people haven’t taken more of a liking to the film. “It has everything you could want in a movie, except for all that boring talking and walking around places.”

Muerte added that it doesn’t make any difference to him whether the film succeeds or not since he was paid $30 million to direct the film, which is $10 million more than Peter Jackson was paid to direct King Kong.

“It will make difference to him,” Meineki said. “You have not seen end of story yet.” Meineki refused to explain his comment and hustled into a waiting limo.

Michael Breckenridge contributed to this story.

By Robert Breckenridge

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration today greenlighted Jerck Pharmaceuticals to begin marketing a new drug aimed at stopping the crippling and sometimes fatal hand-me-downs syndrome.

Once thought to have been totally cured by the mid-to-late twentieth century, isolated cases of hand-me-downs syndrome have been popping up all over the country. Jerck has been working for over a decade to find an effective cure. HMDS usually begins in the fetus and affects both genders equally. It remains dormant until about age 6 and becomes immediately evident when the youngster begins complaining about their ill-fitting, unfashionable clothing. It then quickly cripples their fashion-oriented friendships.

Jerck’s new drug, Borremal, helps to treat the condition by dulling the spirit. Possible side effects include staring into space and listlessness.

Borremal will be administered by school nurses nationwide starting next year.

By Robert Breckenridge

TRACTOR TOWN, MI - Vague Mills, Inc. is debuting a new breakfast cereal - Raisin Brain. Designed to be part of a balanced and nutritious breakfast, Raisin Brain features raisins, wheat bran, and chewy bits of cow brains.

Vague Mills partnered with several different cow parts distributors in order to make the cereal.

“Ever since the backlash of using cow brains and spinal fluid to make cosmetics and soap, we had to figure out where we were going to put the stuff. Nobody ever said anything about cereal, so we decided to go that route,” said Cow Parts America spokesperson Fred Durfhurdur.

The cereal is marketed towards the youth and ‘tween market and the box features a picture of a smiling, giddy cow with no skull, a la Hannibal Lecter.

Robert Breckenridge

Futures traders on Wall Street are waiting anxiously for next year’s hurricane crop. Buoyed by the unheard-of successes of Katrina and Rita, every moron is tossing his lunch money into the market, hoping to cash in big next hurricane season.

Meteorological experts at the Department of Agriculture are expressing doubt about the likelihood of an even bigger crop next year. “Bumper crops do not happen two years in a row. It’s just not going to happen,” said USDA Spokesperson George Schmecklebuster.

Commodities guru Daniel Coppershiner of the Mooncopper-Coppershiner-Shinerpenny Investments Group said that if Schmecklebuster was “really right about the crop next year then that means there’s going to be a lot of people having to come up with the extra hurricane to pay off the short call.”

In the event that the crop falls short of expectations, it’s likely to impact other related industries such as oil, casino gaming, and trailer parks.

By Michael Breckenridge

MIAMI – Following an accident on board a ship bound over from Antarctica, a previously frozen man was found beating a large turkey drumstick in the air to the frenzied rhythms of a local band at an after-hours beach party Friday night.

The formerly quiescent man had slipped out of the hold of a frigate inbound to Biscayne Bay from the South Pole. The iceman, believed to be at least 10,000 years old, was recently discovered by German scientists in a sheet of ice near the Ross Point Station. As a result of global warming, the ice broke open, revealing the man’s location 80 feet down inside the crevasse.

Like a scene from a Hitchcock movie, the iceman was cut from the wall of the crevasse, bundled in jute and chains and placed aboard the frigate for transport back to a research facility on the Florida mainland.

“I don’t know why they call them frigates,” lead scientist Paul Fleischsauger said. “I guess ‘fuck bucket’ was taken.”

“This was the most important discovery for mankind since, I don’t know, the moon mission or something,” Gregor Gnieseficken said. “How they let it slip through an open door and topple into the warm water below is like a scene from a cartoon.”

Once free of the ice, the iceman escaped the Houdini-like gift-wrapping and swam to the beach. He found some clothes and joined a party already in progress.

“It was undoubtedly not difficult for him to do that,” Fleischsauger said. “Women probably brought him clothes just for the opportunity to be near him. ‘I clothed him, he’s mine,’ that would be the attitude. You would think that being locked in ice would reduce a man, and he is short, yes, but believe me – this man is not small.”

“He looked like the brother of a friend of mine, so I didn’t think twice about it,” party organizer Margarita Cuervo said. “He picked up this huge drumstick from the catering table and just starting shaking it all around. That’s what it’s all about.”

The iceman was originally scheduled to be cut open and examined, then stuck in a glass case of formaldehyde and put on display at the Smithsonian. No one anticipated his reanimation or his love of music and dancing.

“My studio has been contracted by the scientists assigned to the iceman for the purpose of doing some image-making and laying down tracks,” DJ Eksyt said.

“Paul thought, maybe call him ‘Ice Cube,’ but the DJ said that was taken,” Gnieseficken said. “So I thought, maybe ‘Ice Ice Baby’ would be a good slogan, but that is also taken.”

“We leave this job in the DJ’s capable hands,” Fleischsauger said. “She assured us she can provide him with the best service, and at no cost to us, which is good, because it’s a lot of red tape to go through channels on something like this.”

The iceman will be the subject of an upcoming special on the Discover Channel, simulcast on MTV.

Special thanks to our friend Jon Martinez for posing with the turkey drumstick for this story.

By Michael Breckenridge

LOS ANGELES - A local man stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase through city streets. “I was tired of walking,” he said. An officer boarded the lumbering juggernaut and ground it to a halt.

The theft had been spotted by a group of kids in their mystery van. Fred, Daphne, Wilma and Shaggy noticed the man was not wearing a hard hat and realized the steamroller was stolen from the nearby construction site. Their dog called police but no one could understand him. He handed the phone to Shaggy.

“Like, there’s this crazy coot carousing on a commandeered Caterpillar,” he said.

“Curses!” The bad guy said to the officers. “I was just steamrolling along until those pesky kids interfered!”

By Robert Breckenridge

MEXICO CITY - In a move designed to boost brand recognition, the fast-food chain Eatza Chicken has purchased the ancient Mayan city of Chichen Itza and renamed it to “Eatza Chicken”.

Eatza Chicken spokesperson Mark Ting said, “We don’t believe tourists or leotard-clad natives should have to go far to enjoy the greasy, refried taste of Eatza Chicken chicken.”

The new menu will include localizations of some of their popular entrees, including “Temple Of The Hot Wings, Drumstick Pyramids, and Jumpin’ Jungle Cola.”

Archaeologists associated with the ongoing restoration project in the temple complex area discovered last year voiced concerns over the fate of their efforts. Ting told the archaeologists in an open letter, “In preparation for the grand opening, Eatza Chicken plans to bulldoze all that old crap out of the way to make room for a 14-acre parking lot. Deal with it.”

Michael Breckenridge contributed to this story.

By Robert Breckenridge

Leaders in the field of flatulence convened today at the International Gastrointestinal Gauging Summit. The goal of the conference was to determine what methods of fart measurement are scientific and therefore part of “Gastronomy”, and to determine what methods are quackery and relegate them to the much-maligned field of “Gastrology.”

“First of all, I resent being pigeon-holed as a quack,” squawked Harlan Sheckleby, a self-described Gastrologist. “I can pinpoint when and where you’ll have gas by using my patented ‘Tarot of the Seventh Sneeze’ tarot beads and palm incense technique.”

“That’s ridiculous,” countered Quinn Halversmead, Director of the Mayonnaise Clinic’s Gastronomy Lab. “I am a scientist and use technology to find out the facts of someone’s digestion. I should know. I am smarter than you because I am a scientist and scientists invented technology.”

The conference adjourned early because too many test subjects arrived and started making everyone nauseous.

Michael Breckenridge contributed to this story.

Robert Breckenridge

Numerous sightings of massive fireballs this week in the skies over Berlin, Germany, are actually UFOs, according to researchers at the UFOs Now Exist Skywatch Consortium Organization (UNESCO). Previously classified as Taurid meteors, UNESCO claims the streaks of light in the night sky are messengers from another star system in the Milky Way galaxy.

“We have been watching the skies for decades, and now, finally, we have proof of beings from another star,” UNESCO representative Gerald Hupfschmitter said. During a long, boring, hour-long diatribe, he drew pictures of what he calls “the greys” and explained the intricate workings of faster-than-light time-bending star drive systems he has never actually seen.

UNESCO stressed that the organization is not biased in any way, despite their name and their alien peace-sign logo.

By Robert Breckenridge

Following up her infamous TV exposé, where supermodel and talk show host, Tyra Banks, piled on makeup and prosthetics, transforming herself into a 350-pound overweight woman to expose the discrimination faced by obese people, she has gone undercover again - this time as a supermodel.

As the sun set on Day One, she had this to say to KYLE-AM: “People are so courteous - they hold doors open and dial numbers on my phone for me. When I sit down at a restaurant, they already have a bottle of wine cold. The discrimination is appalling!”

When questioned as to what is different about being a supermodel and going undercover as a supermodel, Tyra replied, “What?”

The office of U.K. Prime Minister Tony Blair announced a statement regarding the fair treatment of supermodels will be forthcoming.

By Robert Breckenridge

Following a report released by the Consumer Safety Board earlier today, Hexlark Printers, Inc., is recalling 400,000 printers over concerns about an alleged faulty nuclear print fixing mechanism. The report states that in the event of a power failure, the printer’s heat regulation system will not be able to cool the rods properly, resulting in a nuclear meltdown.

“Hexlark would not be in this pickle if they hadn’t been so zealous in preventing after-market consumables providers from creating products that fit Hexlark printers,” industry critic John Debussy said. Melting the toner to the page can be easily accomplished with standard electric heating systems, he said. “I’m a power user, but not a nuclear power user.”

Hexlark remains belligerent in their stance despite the recall. “Our nuclear heating rods are so safe, you can shove them where the sun don’t shine. Go do yourself,” Hexlark spokesperson Hanmi A. Jay told reporters.

In light of the meltdown issue, General Tommy “Shoot-Em-Up” Gunn of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security expressed concerns over the possibility of a black market trade in “suitcase printers” because they are capable of creating a three megaton blast.

By Robert Breckenridge

In a move that has Wall Street and the local real estate market flustered, local citizens are practicing what newspapers are calling “superstupidity,” the practice of feigning ignorance. Examples of this behavior include people continually asking directions to the restroom and how to operate the paper shredder. Full bladders are the order of the day and shoving a piece of paper into a slot requires additional instructions.

Superstupidity is taking its toll in the service industries as well - tow truck drivers are overwhelmed as the city streets are littered with cars out of gas. City Power officials say that the grid is teetering on the brink of disaster as every refrigerator door is left open and stove burner turned on. Air conditioners and heaters fight to cancel each other out.

Alzheimer’s patients are being discharged from local facilities with clean bills of health as no one can remember why they’re there.

I don’t know where the bathroom is, so I just wet my pants.

By Michael Breckenridge

Drug-induced paranoia caused “Phil Bert,” the anthropomorphic moniker of a filbert, to enter the mouth of a local squirrel and lead police on a wild chase through the park. A filbert is an edible tree fruit surrounded by a woody husk commonly found in local stores and kids’ stockings at Christmastime. The soft buttery flesh of the nutmeat is also referred to as a hazelnut.

“I am not a hazelnut!” Bert said.

The difficulties began when Bert was ejected from the squirrel’s mouth into a previously designated hole in the ground. “Obviously, this was a premeditated act by his accomplice, whom we are calling Joe Squirrel, pending further identification,” officer Dan Hossifer said.

A melee ensued as officers scrambled for Phil Bert. The smooth brown shell covered in a slippery glaze of squirrel sputum continued to evade a solid grip. Every squeeze of the nut ended in a messy squirt into the air from the officer’s hand. Upon apprehension, the officers noted that their quarry was not a filbert. It was a hickory nut, a much harder edible tree fruit surrounded by an iron-like dense wood casement. “Only a shagbark hickory bears a fruit this hard. We thought we were chasing a filbert. This hardened criminal of the tree world really shagged us,” Hossifer said.

“I would have sprouted next spring into every midwestern lawnmower’s worst nightmare!” the hickory nut said.

Officers attempted to use a Texas nutcracker to pry Phil Bert from its protective shell. The extreme hardness required use of a nine pound sledgehammer to break it. “That was one tough nut on crack,” Hossifer said.