KYLE-AM .. Kyle In The Morning

By Robert Breckenridge

Following a report released by the Consumer Safety Board earlier today, Hexlark Printers, Inc., is recalling 400,000 printers over concerns about an alleged faulty nuclear print fixing mechanism. The report states that in the event of a power failure, the printer’s heat regulation system will not be able to cool the rods properly, resulting in a nuclear meltdown.

“Hexlark would not be in this pickle if they hadn’t been so zealous in preventing after-market consumables providers from creating products that fit Hexlark printers,” industry critic John Debussy said. Melting the toner to the page can be easily accomplished with standard electric heating systems, he said. “I’m a power user, but not a nuclear power user.”

Hexlark remains belligerent in their stance despite the recall. “Our nuclear heating rods are so safe, you can shove them where the sun don’t shine. Go do yourself,” Hexlark spokesperson Hanmi A. Jay told reporters.

In light of the meltdown issue, General Tommy “Shoot-Em-Up” Gunn of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security expressed concerns over the possibility of a black market trade in “suitcase printers” because they are capable of creating a three megaton blast.

By Robert Breckenridge

Researchers and emotion pathologists at the National Anger Institute published a press release today stating that they finally discovered that female anger has a half-life of nearly 4,000 years. The breakthrough was achieved by isolating the DNA of a scorned woman, sequencing it, and then subjecting the specimen sample to intense ex-ray and ultraviolent light. The process effectively speeds up time.

Abdul Harkubar of the NAI had this to say: “It is finally the time when we as men know the consequences of asking if she is drinking diet soda.” Ray, the former lover of the woman whose name has not been released, said he’ll be more careful in the future when trying to think of something to say.

Egyptologists collaborating on the project can now close the book on the case of Darcissian Kronotopsis, an ancient Egyptian Queen who brutally stopped talking to her King. “The C-14 tests were showing some strange results, we couldn’t figure it out,” said project leader Jerome Sharp. “It turns out this half-life thing was getting in the way.”

It looks like Darcissian is finally going to calm down in another 5,000 years.