KYLE-AM .. Kyle In The Morning

By Robert Breckenridge

SHERBROOKE, NOVA SCOTIA - Disaster struck the maple syrup pipeline that links Canada to Sweden early this morning at 3:14 am Maple Syrup Time (MST), cutting off the supply and severely affecting the morning breakfast in that Northern European country.

The pipeline was designed with pressure valves and safety cutoffs all along its length so as to prevent further damage from occurring. Canadian officials estimated a mid-morning solution to the problem. Radio news programs advised businesses and schools to expect late arrivals as families waited for the maple taps to resume flowing.

Lights came on in the parliamentary buildings in both countries as soon they received word that the pipeline had broken. Canadian and Swedish officials immediately dispatched Royal Navy repair crews to get the pipeline working as soon as possible.

Swedes sporting cloth napkin bibs, a fork in one hand and a spoon in the other and staring with quiet forlorn at one another at breakfast tables all across the frozen country hoped the Canadians would work quickly so they could enjoy their hotcakes and crepes in their time-honored fashion.

Michael Breckenridge contributed to this story.

By Robert Breckenridge

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration today greenlighted Jerck Pharmaceuticals to begin marketing a new drug aimed at stopping the crippling and sometimes fatal hand-me-downs syndrome.

Once thought to have been totally cured by the mid-to-late twentieth century, isolated cases of hand-me-downs syndrome have been popping up all over the country. Jerck has been working for over a decade to find an effective cure. HMDS usually begins in the fetus and affects both genders equally. It remains dormant until about age 6 and becomes immediately evident when the youngster begins complaining about their ill-fitting, unfashionable clothing. It then quickly cripples their fashion-oriented friendships.

Jerck’s new drug, Borremal, helps to treat the condition by dulling the spirit. Possible side effects include staring into space and listlessness.

Borremal will be administered by school nurses nationwide starting next year.