By Robert Breckenridge
A furious manhunt erupted today in response to a terrified woman’s report that her feces had been stolen. The theft occurred in the woman’s restroom of a nearby bookstore.
According to her report, the man entered the restroom, barged into the stall, and held her up at gunpoint. Apparently just for irony, it was a chocolate gun. The filthy fingered feces filcher then made off with his brown booty. Police were on the scene within minutes and a patrol car cornered the man three blocks away.
The man was found empty-handed but showed signs of trying to dump the merchandise. Police arrested him on three counts of turdburglary. A search was conducted to try and locate the missing excrement, but to no avail.
“I already had names for them!” she wailed. The cigars are survived by a strong sense of urgency.
By Robert Breckenridge
Researchers and emotion pathologists at the National Anger Institute published a press release today stating that they finally discovered that female anger has a half-life of nearly 4,000 years. The breakthrough was achieved by isolating the DNA of a scorned woman, sequencing it, and then subjecting the specimen sample to intense ex-ray and ultraviolent light. The process effectively speeds up time.
Abdul Harkubar of the NAI had this to say: “It is finally the time when we as men know the consequences of asking if she is drinking diet soda.” Ray, the former lover of the woman whose name has not been released, said he’ll be more careful in the future when trying to think of something to say.
Egyptologists collaborating on the project can now close the book on the case of Darcissian Kronotopsis, an ancient Egyptian Queen who brutally stopped talking to her King. “The C-14 tests were showing some strange results, we couldn’t figure it out,” said project leader Jerome Sharp. “It turns out this half-life thing was getting in the way.”
It looks like Darcissian is finally going to calm down in another 5,000 years.
