Woman’s Feces Stolen
By Robert Breckenridge
A furious manhunt erupted today in response to a terrified woman’s report that her feces had been stolen. The theft occurred in the woman’s restroom of a nearby bookstore.
According to her report, the man entered the restroom, barged into the stall, and held her up at gunpoint. Apparently just for irony, it was a chocolate gun. The filthy fingered feces filcher then made off with his brown booty. Police were on the scene within minutes and a patrol car cornered the man three blocks away.
The man was found empty-handed but showed signs of trying to dump the merchandise. Police arrested him on three counts of turdburglary. A search was conducted to try and locate the missing excrement, but to no avail.
“I already had names for them!” she wailed. The cigars are survived by a strong sense of urgency.
