KYLE-AM .. Kyle In The Morning

By Michael Breckenridge

Drug-induced paranoia caused “Phil Bert,” the anthropomorphic moniker of a filbert, to enter the mouth of a local squirrel and lead police on a wild chase through the park. A filbert is an edible tree fruit surrounded by a woody husk commonly found in local stores and kids’ stockings at Christmastime. The soft buttery flesh of the nutmeat is also referred to as a hazelnut.

“I am not a hazelnut!” Bert said.

The difficulties began when Bert was ejected from the squirrel’s mouth into a previously designated hole in the ground. “Obviously, this was a premeditated act by his accomplice, whom we are calling Joe Squirrel, pending further identification,” officer Dan Hossifer said.

A melee ensued as officers scrambled for Phil Bert. The smooth brown shell covered in a slippery glaze of squirrel sputum continued to evade a solid grip. Every squeeze of the nut ended in a messy squirt into the air from the officer’s hand. Upon apprehension, the officers noted that their quarry was not a filbert. It was a hickory nut, a much harder edible tree fruit surrounded by an iron-like dense wood casement. “Only a shagbark hickory bears a fruit this hard. We thought we were chasing a filbert. This hardened criminal of the tree world really shagged us,” Hossifer said.

“I would have sprouted next spring into every midwestern lawnmower’s worst nightmare!” the hickory nut said.

Officers attempted to use a Texas nutcracker to pry Phil Bert from its protective shell. The extreme hardness required use of a nine pound sledgehammer to break it. “That was one tough nut on crack,” Hossifer said.

By Robert Breckenridge

Emergency response dispatchers were alerted by residents of an apartment complex that loud crashing sounds and hysterical laughter were coming from one of the units there. Police and emergency medical personnel arriving on the scene were aghast at the situation. A 45 year old male was nearly comatose on the floor after overdosing on endorphins.

Police were unable to locate any of the drug remaining in the apartment to enter into evidence. They did, however, find a computer whose web browser was showing a website with humorous articles on it. “Endorphin exposure can be caused by reading funny or mirthful stories,” officer Dan Hossifer said. Medical personnel treated the man, whose name has not been released, for two broken ribs at a nearby hospital.

“Endorphin overdose is a very serious condition because it is extremely addictive,” Dr. Peter Ficken at Mercy Hospital told reporters. “The effect wears off quickly, requiring more and heavier doses with each exposure.” The reporters began to smirk at the doctor. Flustered, the doctor stammered, “This is no laughing matter.”

Michael Breckenridge contributed to this story.