By Robert Breckenridge
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration today greenlighted Jerck Pharmaceuticals to begin marketing a new drug aimed at stopping the crippling and sometimes fatal hand-me-downs syndrome.
Once thought to have been totally cured by the mid-to-late twentieth century, isolated cases of hand-me-downs syndrome have been popping up all over the country. Jerck has been working for over a decade to find an effective cure. HMDS usually begins in the fetus and affects both genders equally. It remains dormant until about age 6 and becomes immediately evident when the youngster begins complaining about their ill-fitting, unfashionable clothing. It then quickly cripples their fashion-oriented friendships.
Jerck’s new drug, Borremal, helps to treat the condition by dulling the spirit. Possible side effects include staring into space and listlessness.
Borremal will be administered by school nurses nationwide starting next year.
By Robert Breckenridge
In a move that has Wall Street and the local real estate market flustered, local citizens are practicing what newspapers are calling “superstupidity,” the practice of feigning ignorance. Examples of this behavior include people continually asking directions to the restroom and how to operate the paper shredder. Full bladders are the order of the day and shoving a piece of paper into a slot requires additional instructions.
Superstupidity is taking its toll in the service industries as well - tow truck drivers are overwhelmed as the city streets are littered with cars out of gas. City Power officials say that the grid is teetering on the brink of disaster as every refrigerator door is left open and stove burner turned on. Air conditioners and heaters fight to cancel each other out.
Alzheimer’s patients are being discharged from local facilities with clean bills of health as no one can remember why they’re there.
I don’t know where the bathroom is, so I just wet my pants.
By Robert Breckenridge
Emergency response dispatchers were alerted by residents of an apartment complex that loud crashing sounds and hysterical laughter were coming from one of the units there. Police and emergency medical personnel arriving on the scene were aghast at the situation. A 45 year old male was nearly comatose on the floor after overdosing on endorphins.
Police were unable to locate any of the drug remaining in the apartment to enter into evidence. They did, however, find a computer whose web browser was showing a website with humorous articles on it. “Endorphin exposure can be caused by reading funny or mirthful stories,” officer Dan Hossifer said. Medical personnel treated the man, whose name has not been released, for two broken ribs at a nearby hospital.
“Endorphin overdose is a very serious condition because it is extremely addictive,” Dr. Peter Ficken at Mercy Hospital told reporters. “The effect wears off quickly, requiring more and heavier doses with each exposure.” The reporters began to smirk at the doctor. Flustered, the doctor stammered, “This is no laughing matter.”
Michael Breckenridge contributed to this story.
