Funny Quotes
“Nothing screams ‘poor workmanship’ like wrinkles in the duct tape.”
- Doug Taylor-Munro (tangomike)
“The cheapest, fastest and most reliable components of a computer system are those that aren’t there.”
- Gordon Bell, DEC laboratories
“Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.”
- Pablo Picasso
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
- Drew Carey
“The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”
- Jeff Foxworthy
“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
- Bob Ettinger
“I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’”
- Richard Jeni
“If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”
- Johnny Carson
“My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“History does not repeat itself, it rhymes.”
- Mark Twain
“I can’t give you brains, but I can give you a diploma.”
- The Wizard of Oz
“You look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass?”
- Alien, The Simpsons
“I took an IQ test and the results were negative.”
- Unknown
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
- Unknown
“Drilling for oil is boring.”
- Unknown
“We’re a newspaper, we don’t actually own any bees.”
- Web Engineer, The Sacramento Bee
“If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.”
- Doug Larson
“A burro is an ass. A burrow is a hole in the ground. As a journalist, you are expected to know the difference.”
- UPI Stylebook
“GPS is just another excuse for men not to ask for directions.”
- Richard Horwitz
“Whenever someone says to me, ‘Have a nice day,’ I reply, ‘Sorry, I’ve made other plans.’”
- Sir Peter Ustinov
“The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, ‘How does it work?’ The graduate with a Science degree asks, ‘Why does it work?’ The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, ‘How much will it cost?’ The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, ‘Would you like fries with that?”
- Unknown
“When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”
- Yogi Berra
“I never knew of anyone who, on his deathbed, said, ‘I wish I had spent more time at the office.’”
- Clergyman quote
“A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.”
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Time is an Illusion, Lunch time, doubly so.”
- Douglas Adams, Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy
“Remember: Oprah spelled backwards is Harpo!”
- Unknown
“How would *you* like a job where, if you make a mistake, a big red light goes on and 18,000 people boo?”
- former hockey goalie Jacques Plante
“It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.”
- Miguel de Cervantes, 1613
“Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.”
- Unknown
“The speed of time is 1 second per second.”
- Unknown
“Which is worse, ignorance or apathy? Who knows, who cares.”
- Unknown
“I do not like work, even when somebody else is doing it.”
- Mark Twain
“The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life. For this task, it has a rudimentary nervous system. When it finds its spot and takes root, it doesn’t need its brain anymore so it eats it! (It’s rather like getting tenure.)”
- From CONSCIOUSNESS EXPLAINED, by Daniel Dennett, p. 177
“Outside a dog, a book is mans best friend Inside a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx
“His philosophy was a mixture of three famous schools - the Cynics, the Stoics and the Epicureans - and summed up all three of them in his famous phrase, ‘You can’t trust any bugger further than you can throw him, and there’s nothing you can do about it, so let’s have a drink.’”
- Terry Pratchett
“For animals, the entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.”
- Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites
“Another case of too many scientists and not enough hunchbacks.”
- Gary Larson
“It’s a control freak thing. I wouldn’t let you understand.”
- Unknown
“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.”
- Western Union memo, 1877
“Show me somebody who is always smiling, always cheerful, always optimistic, and I will show you somebody who hasn’t the faintest idea what the heck is really going on.”
- Mike Royko
“This may have been the same year the phone book had science facts for filler. My favorite was ‘Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is also farther away.’”
- Unknown
“Remember: 7 out of 10 people make up 70% of the population.”
- Unknown
“A day without sunshine is like… night.”
- Steve Martin
“Before the invention of eruptions, lava had to be carried down the mountain by hand and thrown on the sleeping villagers. This took a lot of time.”
- Unknown
“Support your local medical examiner - die strangely.”
- Blake Bowers
“Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.”
- Prof. Irwin Corey
“Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft … and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.”
- Wernher von Braun
“When can we hope to leave?”
“You can hope anytime, Mr. Taylor.”
- Beneath the Planet of the Apes
“I’ve left my body to science - and science is contesting the will.”
- Unknown
“Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn’t expect to be paid back.”
- Unknown
“You can observe a lot just by watching.”
- Yogi Berra
“Never make predictions, especially not about the future.”
- Yogi Berra
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.”
- Woody Allen
“We buy junk and sell antiques.”
- Unknown
“WARNING: Scientists are known to cause cancer in certain laboratory animals.”
- Unknown
“Honk if your horn is broken.”
- Unknown
“It’s 106 miles to Chicago; we’ve got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark, and we’re wearing sunglasses.”
“Hit it.”
- The Blues Brothers
“Rock journalism is people who can’t write, interviewing people who can’t talk for people who can’t read.”
- Frank Zappa, 1940-1993
“Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.”
- Robert A. Heinlein
“You can learn a lot from listening to people talk. Why everything I know today I’ve learned from listening to myself talk about things that I knew absolutely nothing about.”
- Gracie Allen
“Computer Humor:
Q: Why does the condemned man get a last cigarette instead of one of those through-the-skin stick-on nicotine thingies?
A: Never patch an executable.”
- Unknown
“Listen! Do you smell something?”
- Ray (“Ghostbusters”)
“Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel across the country from coast to coast without seeing anything.”
- Charles Kuralt
“I’m not sure which upsets me more: that people are so unwilling to accept responsibility for their own actions, or that they are so eager to regulate everyone else’s.”
- Unknown
“It’s not procrastination, it’s my new Just-In-Time Workload Management System!”
- Unknown
