Frenzied Iceman Beats His Drumstick
By Michael Breckenridge
MIAMI – Following an accident on board a ship bound over from Antarctica, a previously frozen man was found beating a large turkey drumstick in the air to the frenzied rhythms of a local band at an after-hours beach party Friday night.
The formerly quiescent man had slipped out of the hold of a frigate inbound to Biscayne Bay from the South Pole. The iceman, believed to be at least 10,000 years old, was recently discovered by German scientists in a sheet of ice near the Ross Point Station. As a result of global warming, the ice broke open, revealing the man’s location 80 feet down inside the crevasse.
Like a scene from a Hitchcock movie, the iceman was cut from the wall of the crevasse, bundled in jute and chains and placed aboard the frigate for transport back to a research facility on the Florida mainland.
“I don’t know why they call them frigates,” lead scientist Paul Fleischsauger said. “I guess ‘fuck bucket’ was taken.”
“This was the most important discovery for mankind since, I don’t know, the moon mission or something,” Gregor Gnieseficken said. “How they let it slip through an open door and topple into the warm water below is like a scene from a cartoon.”
Once free of the ice, the iceman escaped the Houdini-like gift-wrapping and swam to the beach. He found some clothes and joined a party already in progress.
“It was undoubtedly not difficult for him to do that,” Fleischsauger said. “Women probably brought him clothes just for the opportunity to be near him. ‘I clothed him, he’s mine,’ that would be the attitude. You would think that being locked in ice would reduce a man, and he is short, yes, but believe me – this man is not small.”
“He looked like the brother of a friend of mine, so I didn’t think twice about it,” party organizer Margarita Cuervo said. “He picked up this huge drumstick from the catering table and just starting shaking it all around. That’s what it’s all about.”
The iceman was originally scheduled to be cut open and examined, then stuck in a glass case of formaldehyde and put on display at the Smithsonian. No one anticipated his reanimation or his love of music and dancing.
“My studio has been contracted by the scientists assigned to the iceman for the purpose of doing some image-making and laying down tracks,” DJ Eksyt said.
“Paul thought, maybe call him ‘Ice Cube,’ but the DJ said that was taken,” Gnieseficken said. “So I thought, maybe ‘Ice Ice Baby’ would be a good slogan, but that is also taken.”
“We leave this job in the DJ’s capable hands,” Fleischsauger said. “She assured us she can provide him with the best service, and at no cost to us, which is good, because it’s a lot of red tape to go through channels on something like this.”
The iceman will be the subject of an upcoming special on the Discover Channel, simulcast on MTV.
Special thanks to our friend Jon Martinez for posing with the turkey drumstick for this story.
