KYLE-AM .. Kyle In The Morning

By Michael Breckenridge

It’s hard enough to apply for jobs these days; it takes writing a good cover letter, filling out an application, and of course, submitting a good resume.

Competition is fierce. How can one stand out from the crowd? Showing creativity is the number one way to get noticed in today’s intense marketplace.

CareerBuilder.com conducted a survey of human resources managers across the country for their new resume building service and found there are several important steps to take to be sure the resume looks exactly like everyone elses. KYLE-AM demonstrates how to take these same points and make an impact that will make an applicant stand out and possibly become the source of conversation around the watercooler:

• Your personal life is just that — personal. Show the hiring manager you have no secrets by discussing your waistline measurement or where you spend your summer vacations.

• Simple. Bold. Professional. Use flashy formatting and stationery with borders or graphics. For areas of special emphasis, try unconventional fonts or colored text.

• One size does not fit all. Showing what a jack-of-all-trades you are is sure to impress the boss. The world is full of specialists. Specialists may be special, but generalists become Generals.

• Two sets of eyes are better than one. If you wear contacts, be sure to mention that glasses are available whenever the boss needs you to “look smart”. If you actually have four eyes, be sure to send a photo. Check this image if you need one quickly.

In the event these four pillars of creativity are insufficiently inspiring, CareerBuilder.com has graciously provided a list of twelve resume enhancements that hiring managers and human resource professionals found most memorable:

1. Candidate included that he spent summers on his family’s yacht in Grand Cayman.
2. Candidate attached a letter from her mother.
3. Candidate used pale blue paper with teddy bears around the border.
4. Candidate explained a gap in employment by saying it was because he was getting over the death of his cat for three months.
5. Candidate specified that his availability was limited because Friday, Saturday and Sunday was “drinking time.”
6. Candidate included a picture of herself in a cheerleading uniform.
7. Candidate drew a picture of a car on the outside of the envelope and said it was the hiring manager’s gift.
8. Candidate’s hobbies included sitting on the levee at night watching alligators.
9. Candidate included the fact that her sister once won a strawberry eating contest.
10. Candidate explained that he works well nude.
11. Candidate included family medical history.

and the final entry, perfect for those with a police record, [drum roll please]…

12. Candidate explained an arrest by stating, “We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig.”

Now there are no more excuses for constructing a resume that will be remembered with cherished memories, and possibly peals of laughter, long after its careful and permanent placement in the round file.

By Michael Breckenridge

One of the world’s highest paid assassins, Viktor Trench-Côte, found his career cut short yesterday evening at a Manhattan bar during an impromptu weapons test.

“I saw this video for Metal Storm on Metacafe. She is the most powerful gun in the world and I knew I had to have her,” Trench-Côte said in an exclusive interview from his maximum security cell at a location undisclosed for security reasons.  “I had the weapon with me at the bar when I decided to try out a mentalism trick I learned online.”

“‘Think of a numeral between 1 and 10,’ I told this gentleman on the stool next to me. ‘OK, now multiply it by 2. Don’t forget the original numeral, OK? Now add 8 to the new numeral and divide by 2. Now subtract your original numeral from your new numeral. At this point, the gentleman say to me, ‘I forgot my original numeral.’ So I called him some unpleasant things and got up.”

Trench-Côte found a bell at the end of the bar and rang it. People quieted down a bit and he said aloud in his French accent, “Who wants to get shot for free?” Everyone raised their hand.

“It surprised me a little bit how many people volunteered, but they were consenting adults, so I thought, ‘Eh, who cares?’ I needed to know if the gun would live up to its advertising. It did.” At that moment, Trench-Cote pulled out his automatic weapon and mowed down all the bar patrons.

The bartender immediately called police. Squads of blue uniformed men and women poured into the building, nabbing Trench-Côte before he could escape. The battalion in blue was quickly followed by an entourage of ambulance paramedics.

Surprisingly, one of the responding units was the infamous ambulance from Lodz, Poland. The doctor and nurse picked up badly wounded but still living victims of the shooting and delivered them straight to local funeral homes.

“I didn’t expect the ambulance from Lodz,” the battalion chief said to the doctor and nurse. They exclaimed in unison: “No one expected the ambulance from Lodz!“