KYLE-AM .. Kyle In The Morning

By Michael Breckenridge

How many times have you ordered pizza and wondered to yourself, “How could I have a little fun with this situation?” Here’s the answer!

1. Press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a name for a new kind of credit card. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo. “What’s your 20? Ten-four, good buddy! Roger, over and out.”

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, say “Just surprise me, OK?” and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them, “I’ve been so naughty, bring me something devilishly sinful. How much extra will it cost to get your delivery person to bring it to me in the nude?”

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: clout, dilapidated, banal, amorphous and titillating.

11. Tell them, “Put the crust on top this time.”

12. Sing your order to the tune of “The Alphabet song.”

13. Spell out all the names of the toppings you want.

14. Use an “Igor” like accent when you say “crazy bread.”

15. Stutter all words starting with p, t and s. Roll your r’s.

16. Ask for a trademark deal only available somewhere else. For example, tell them to Super Size it.

17. Ask what your order taker is wearing.

18. Tell your order taker to send the delivery person into the party and look for the naked people.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if the pizza joint called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. When they ask if you want any drinks with that, panic and chatter incoherently.

21. Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get them to cheer you up. Tell them to bring some Prozac.

22. Make a list of foods not usually found on American pizza, like caviar, escargot, and snake meat. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent after every sentence.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask them if they have pencil and paper ready.

25. Act like you remember the order taker from some embarrassing event of the past. “Hey, I know you! You were at Camp Cryariver for Bedwetters, right?”

26. Start your order with “I’d like…” Then after you’ve said it, make a loud slapping sound like you just got clobbered, start panting and cussing under your breath and say “I’m sorry. I take that back. I definitely DON’T want that!”

27. When they repeat the order back to you, say “OK, that’ll be $10.99 at the first window.”

28. Ask about rent to own or lease agreements on the pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener. Cackle like a witch on Halloween.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of “pepperoni.” Use the long “i” sound: “pep-er-own-EYE.”

32. Ask for your pizza to be “shaken, not stirred.”

33. Fluster them. “Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)?” When they say yes, say “Well, so is this! You’ve got some explaining to do!” When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and say, “Do you know what it’s like to be lied to?”

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

35. Tell them you like your pizza “stone cold dead.” Then menacingly, “Think you can handle that?”

36. Imitate the order taker’s voice and repeat their words.

37. Add the word “money” after all nouns: “I’d like a pepperoni pizza money and an order of crazy bread money. Do you have Pepsi money?”

38. When they say “What would you like?” make a gagging sound and say, “You mean now?”

39. Play a sitar while talking on speaker phone. Use an East Indian accent.

40. Tell the order taker it’s your anniversary and you’d like the delivery person to hide behind a bush by the porch and then spring out and yell “Surprise!” when she walks up. Then snap your fingers and say, “Oh and one more thing. Your driver wears kevlar, right?”

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about trailer parks. Sound like “Larry The Cable Guy.”

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Shakespeare.

44. Say you’ll be able to pay for your order when the movie royalties start rolling in.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with a vintage Merlot.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece, then tell your dog to cut it out.

48. Order a piece of pepperoni. No, not a pepperoni pizza, just a piece of pepperoni. Explain that you’re on a strict diet.

49. Shout “I’m through with you people! Garçon, check please!”

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say “Hello? Who is this?”

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker. “Tell me about your mother.”

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them back and ask again.

53. Order two toppings, then say, “No, forget that. They’ll just start fighting.”

54. Learn to pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask for them as toppings on the pizza.

55. Call to complain about the service. Tell them you’ve never seen a pizza delivered with a library book stuck to the crust before.

56. Tell the order taker your uncle is Donald Trump, and he says to tell you you’re fired.

57. Imitate Bob Marley. Sing, “I eat two toppings in morning, I eat two toppings at night. I eat two toppings in the afternoon, it makes me feel all right.”

58. Use interjections like “Great Scott!” and “Jiminy!” For a bonus add “Wig out, trippy vibes!”

59. Say, “I will only speak to the fine young cannibal who took my order last time. Yowza!”

60. After everything the order taker says, reply, “I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.”

61. Announce that you love to trim nose hairs and ask if it would be OK to trim the nose hairs of the delivery person.

62. Gargle your order.

63. Start the conversation with “Slate - My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and . . . action!”

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza service and repair.

66. Be vague about what you want on your order. Refuse to clarify.

67. When they repeat your order, say “That was good. Let’s try it one more time, but this time with a little more OOMPH.”

68. Instead of saying “information,” tell them, “give me the,” then type 411 on the keypad.

69. After ordering, say “I wonder what this button on the phone does.” Scream in pain.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be my last entry.”

71. State your order and say that’s as far as this relationship is going to go.

72. Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask them to do it to your pizza.

73. Say “Kssht” loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

74. Tell the order taker, “your psychic aura is full of bad karma. I don’t know if I can go through with this.”

75. When listing the toppings you want on your pizza, include “compact snow and ice.”

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Play it your conversation with a sing-song voice.

77. Tell them you’re at a competing pizza joint and could they send a plainclothes delivery person with your order in a plain brown wrapper.

78. Use a voice changer to sound like Regis Philbin. When they give the total, ask them if that’s their final answer.

79. Put them on hold. Call their competition and conference them in.

80. Tell the order taker you have to order using the secret code. Tell them you don’t want any trouble. “Just give me the password and everything will be OK.”

81. Tell them you wished upon a star that they would deliver a free pizza, and if they don’t, the bad people will win.

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say “No mushrooms, please.” Argue the point.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say “You just don’t get it, do you?”

84. When you’re given the price, say “Oh no, that’s too complicated. I don’t do the math.”

85. Negotiate the price. Say “I want a second opinion on that.”

86. Order a half-acre pizza. Tell them to deliver it to hell, because “it’s hell’s half acre.”

87. Ask them if their establishment is covered by the pizza rider on your life insurance policy.

88. When they say “Will that be all?” snicker and say “We’ll find out, won’t we?”

89. Order by dialing up words on a Speak-n-Spell.

90. Ask how many dolphins will be killed in the making of your pizza.

91. While on the phone, use different voices. Tell them your personalities are having a hard time deciding.

92. Demand a “licorice pizza.”

93. Don’t say the word “pizza.” When they ask if you want a pizza, say “Please don’t say that word.”

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell “Ouch, dammit, that hurt!” when a bullet is fired.

95. When the order taker suggests a side order, ask them why they are punishing you.

96. Ask them if the pizza has had its shots. Ask them to provide proof of immunization.

97. Order a steamed clam pizza, including the shells.

98. Write down the order taker’s name. Call back in an hour and say, “This is your (time of day) wake-up call, (order taker’s name).” Ask them to thank you for the notification.

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with sexual favors.

When these suggestions are rejected by the order taker,

100. Say in your best pouty voice, “Fiddlesticks! The last guy let me do it!”

Note: you hold harmless Michael Breckenridge and KYLE-AM.com for anything that happens as a result of your foolish attempt to actually try any of these pranks.

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